Authenticity In The Struggle With Childlessness

EPISODE 103 | AUTHENTICITY IN THE STRUGGLE WITH CHILDLESSNESS

If I'm going to be married, then that's what a good Catholic family looks like. I mean, it's almost like that is the definition of traditional family values don't realize how much we are moulded to it without the free participation of our will. And we don't even realize that because of our own woundedness, right? So, that may be a good thing, but are you desiring it?

[00:00:27] INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Becoming Me, your podcast companion and coach in your journey to a more integrated and authentic self. I am your host, Ann Yeong, and I'm here to help you grow in self-discovery and wholeness. If you long to live a more authentic and integrated life and would like to hear honest insights about the rewards and challenges of this journey, then take a deep breath, relax, and listen on to Becoming Me. 

[00:01:04] Hey, hey, good morning, good morning. Believe it or not, it's already day 28 of my 30-Day IG Live Challenge. And truth be told, it took me a little while this morning to get ready for this, for this sharing because it's a topic that that goes deep and touches a deep place inside my own life and my own vulnerability.

[00:01:37] So, actually, this question that I'm responding to today, came in quite early during this 30-day challenge. I think it was within the first week or so. And I looked at it and I thought, wow, okay, this is a really genuine question. It's not an easy topic. And I thought I should ease into it so, like do a few more days of the Live first and see when it feels right to respond to this question, about this woman who sent me this question.

[00:02:09] Her question was about how can she be authentic in her struggle with infertility, with being childless. Right, and then, I waited and waited because it still didn't feel like it was time. And then I feel like it's time. Finally, it's time. So, to the person who sent me this question, thank you so much for your patience.

[00:02:30] And I'm going to just share the question first. It's a very dense question. And I'm going to just be speaking, sharing from my own experience, okay, and my own observations. So, the question that what's given to me or shared with me is, "how do I be authentic with myself, with God and people around me, as I make sense of my struggle with infertility? The feelings of abandonment, resentment, loneliness and anger simmer. The unspeakable, unseen pain, the deafening silence".

[00:03:13] I just want to take a moment and pause here for a bit, because I'm thinking of this person and then beyond this specific person, all the people who struggle with, in different ways, with being childless, whether it is due to infertility or not. Because I think there are many reasons. I think there are many a couple may remain childless. But regardless of what the reason may be, I think in some way or the other, these feelings, these emotions of abandonment, resentment, loneliness, anger, frustration are there and the pain is unseen, unspeakable.

[00:04:05] Okay, so, I hope this, today's sharing, will reach out to, well, those of you who share this pain, okay, because we're in solidarity with one another. So, the second part of this question, I'm just going to share the question in its entirety first. The second part of this question is, so, in spite of all that pain, right, and the struggle of being childless, this person says, "yet I want. And at times, I struggle to trust God in all His goodness and His plans for me. I desire to be whole and complete in God, regardless of motherhood. And I desire for God to be enough for me. It feels like an invitation to journey deeper within my core, to own my identity. Yet, it is so triggering and confusing, conflicted, indeed".

[00:05:04] Even just reading this question again, every time I read this question, I feel its depth. I feel the desire of this beautiful soul. Her authenticity, her sincerity, her desire and her love and her pain and her grief. And her longing to be assured of her love and of her belovedness in spite of her struggles. So, when I was thinking about how to respond to this question today, usually I take some, I make some notes, some points that I want to cover. And with this topic, it's just so - I found it impossible.

[00:05:45] INFERTILITY AND CHILDLESSNESS
I mean, on one hand, it was like, there are so many points that I could cover and I wanted to talk about. And on the other hand, I don't know where to begin. So, really, I'm going to entrust this sharing, today's Live, to the Holy Spirit. Because I believe that maybe there's a message that's meant to reach someone out there. And, so, I'm just going to trust that. I'm just going to share from the things that I have pondered from my own journey. 

[00:06:11] Because I'm married with no child. I am married for 16 years, this year, I think. Yeah, 16 years later, this year in, pretty soon. And no child. My struggle is different. I mean, my journey is different from the person who asks this question, but I have also spoken with other people. I've spoken with other people who really struggle with being infertile. Or you know, the pain of just not having a child.

[00:06:45] And there's so many layers to why is it that we have that there's this pain and there's so many layers and facets to this struggle, okay. So, I'm just going to talk about it from different perspectives from, and especially of course, from the lens of interior integration because that's what this channel is always about, right?

[00:07:04] This is what this account and my message is always about. Whatever issue we are going through, let's look at it through the lens of interior integration. And I just want to say that this struggle with being childless or the struggle of whether it's our marriage status or our family status. So, for example you know, the real life struggles in our marriage or people being divorced, whoever, people whose lives do not mirror or do not seem to reflect, externally, the ideals upheld by our culture, whether it is, for example, for me you know, Asian, Chinese, or being Christian, being Catholic. There is this in between space where we, on one hand, we kind of like know what is expected of a good Christian, a good Catholic, or a good Asian child, or whatever it is, right?

[00:08:02] SHAME
And then on the other hand, there's the reality and the messiness of life, and we have to try and make sense of how to be who we are, live the life that we currently are in, and so often we have no place to look at and to be heard or to be seen in our shame. So, I think I have to touch on shame today, because whether explicitly aware, whether we're explicitly aware of it or not, this topic or this struggle about being childless definitely touches on shame. 

[00:08:39] So, earlier in the question that was asked. Right, she says, "I desire to be whole and complete in God regardless of motherhood and desire for God to be enough for me", right? "I feel, it feels like an invitation to journey deeper within my calling to own my identity". How do I trust this, right? How do I trust that God is good?

[00:09:01] So, I'm just going to start from sharing my journey. When I knew I was going to be married, which wasn't something that I always knew that I would be. It was a foregone conclusion that we would have children. You know, when you're young, you don't really think about whether or not you can have children.

[00:09:21] And in my case, actually, I never even asked the question if I wanted to have children. I did ask my boyfriend/fiancé, I mean my boyfriend then, whether he wanted children because for me that was a potential deal breaker, okay? Young me, 20/21, early 20s. Because being that good Catholic, good Catholic girl that I was, I knew that if my state of life was to be married, then the calling - you know, you hear it in so many ways, you see it everywhere - the calling is to multiply and be fruitful, right? In the exact form of having biological children.

[00:10:03] It's almost like if you are a married layperson, that is the highest state you can be in, alright? To have your own children, and the more the merrier, and as many as you can afford, almost to support responsibly. And then, if you can't have your own children, raise somebody else's children. Maybe their orphans, their children in need of adoption. So, all these emphasis on family with a very specific picture of what family looks like, right?

[00:10:37] Father, mother, an intact family. You know, a brood of children. And it's a beautiful picture. I think a lot of people want that. But here's the thing. I never even had the thought of whether I wanted that for myself because the script in me ran deep. This is what I ought to want. This is what I ought to work towards.

[00:11:05] Because that was like that was the goal if I were to be married, right? If I was single, then maybe I should discern religious life. But if I'm going to be married, then that's what a good Catholic family looks like. And I suspect that a lot of Catholics, especially Catholics, I suppose be Christians too, who subscribe to traditional family values.

[00:11:32] I mean, it's almost like that is the definition of traditional family values don't realize how much we are moulded to it without the free participation of our will. And we don't even realize that because of our own woundedness, right? So, that may be a beautiful thing. That may be a good thing, but are you desiring it?

[00:11:57] Because you really truly desire it or are you desiring it because if you don't have that or you don't reach that goal, you will be less than and you will be not good enough. Now, this is, everything I'm saying right here right now, is not something I ever consciously contemplated or thought of or reflected, okay?

[00:12:19] God has a funny sense of humour. And He has an impeccable way of healing me, and I think healing everyone, of the specific issues that we have. So, here, me, I have always had this thing about, I know what ideal looks like, and I want to achieve that. I try to perform that. And I was a very judgemental person because, I think, in my upbringing, unfortunately, in my environment, in the environment that I grew in, there were plenty of judgments made on other people, on situations - purportedly to teach me, I guess, to teach everyone how to make good judgments and good value judgments.

[00:13:02] I'm just, at this point, I'm just accepting this as kind of like collateral damage. Okay, or something maybe that was necessary of educating a child. But what you don't realize or what the elders in my life didn't realize was that then, I looked at how people were talked about, who were praised, who were criticized, who was in and who was out.

[00:13:26] And of course, naturally, I want to align myself with who was in, and I didn't want to be like who was out, right? So, from a very young age, for example, I heard that to have children is to be generous, to not have children or to not want to have children is being selfish and self-centred. It's a very selfish thing.

[00:13:47] I've heard it since I was very young, in many contexts, and so, I just I didn't want to be selfish. So, it was not a question at all of whether I was going to have children. I was going to have children. In fact, when I first got married, my husband and I used to tell people - because people always ask right? When I'm going to have children? How many children do you want to have? And we said oh we think the magic number is four. 

[00:14:09] I mean, it was just a random number, but we kind of thought like oh, yeah, maybe you know maximum maybe four. And then I was also one of those people that subconsciously, I guess, I wouldn't vocalize it, but maybe kind of also judge others for like not having kids and then, and then having - okay, so, this is, this is one of those things that I'm going to confess.

[00:14:32] I used to share in the judgment that some people have, about people who are couples who are married and who don't have children and then have a dog, have a pet and dote on their pet as if the pet was a child, right? Yeah, because I have - yep, I judged them. And so, I said, God has a funny humour because here I am, ending up as a married woman with no children and with a dog.

[00:15:01] That took me a long time for me to be so open as I am now about how much I love her and how much I dote on her and spoil her because, in my mind, this is the kind of people that are judged and maybe some of you know, maybe people do judge me. I don't care now.

[00:15:18] Okay, I really don't care about that now because I’m at peace with where I am. But I'm just saying that it has a real effect the shame of not having a child and then the shame of having a family life that looks selfish, right, had an unconscious grip on me. So, I'm wondering for the person who asks this question, or for others who may be struggling with childlessness, I wonder whether you are aware if there might be some subconscious script in you that is making you really suffer the shame because you feel like not being a mother. Or not being a father. I think it's kind of different.

[00:16:04] I'm just going to stick with mother at this point, right now because it was a woman who asked me this question and I'm a woman. That somehow not being a mother means that we're not fully human as a woman, you know? Or because that's what we've been taught and that's because what we've come to believe.

[00:16:21] It may not have been the intent of anyone to make us feel that way. But a lot of times, things happen that people don't intend. A lot of hurting, harming happens without explicit intent. And it happens anyway. So, when in 2011, so, I was not aware, right, that all of this was even my thoughts or that I had an issue with this.

[00:16:47] MY RETREAT EXPERIENCE
In 2011, I did the spiritual exercises of Saint Ignatius. It is, for those who are not familiar with that. St. Ignatius is the founder of the Jesuit Order, the Society of Jesus. He lived in the 16th century and he's known, one of his, maybe his best-known legacy is the spiritual exercises which can be done either as a retreat, kind of like a stay-in retreat for about 30 days, right?

[00:17:17] There's a version, which is the one I did, called the 19th Annotation of this exercise, which is done without staying in a retreat centre for 30 days. You do it in daily life. Means you continue with whatever's going on in your life, with work, with family, et cetera, but you do the same exercises every day, take about an hour a day to do the prayer and the contemplation.

[00:17:39] And then you meet with a spiritual director every week to touch base on what has come up in the prayer of that past week. Now, the spiritual exercises are divided in the structure into four weeks. It is not meant to literally mean like a week, like seven days, but kind of like four segments, okay.

[00:17:59] And there is a flow. It's wonderful pedagogically because it's a journey that the retreatant is led through. Pondering on our brokenness, our need for redemption, to following Christ in the scripture. So, the prayer, it's very scripture based and you contemplate on scripture, right?

[00:18:20] So, in the second week, really is you contemplate on following Jesus in his ministry when He was healing all the people and the miracles that He was performing, the things that He was teaching. And then the third week of the retreat of the special exercises, you follow Christ into His passion and to His death.

[00:18:39] And so, a lot of the contemplation and prayer is then, now on the passion and you're with Him and see what emerges in your life. And then the last week, the fourth week, it's the resurrection, okay. So, many people who go through this retreat also are discerning something significant in their life.

[00:19:02] It's a very intense and a deep way of kind of like praying your life and letting the life of Christ in scripture speak to your life, right? So, in the context of this spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius, which I did over nine to 10 months in 2011, this question about having children came up. It wasn't a question I wanted to bring into discernment because like I shared earlier, I never thought this was up for discernment.

[00:19:33] It is a command if you're married, have kids, right? So, I never considered because I'm so well categorized. I know also I'm formed enough to know technically spiritual discernment is about choosing between two goods, right? And it's not having children is not a good. So, how do you? You don't discern that, right?

[00:19:54] You don't discern whether or not you're meant to have children or whether you want to have kids. In my mind, really, in my full consciousness, that was just not something that you ask. You just pray to have children and to have the grace to be a good parent, etc. But when I was going through the spiritual exercises, when we reached the second week of the exercises, which was usually when you bring into the prayer or into the retreat something that you're discerning, the thing that kept popping up was this thing about having children.

[00:20:25] And so, I told my spiritual director about it. I said, I don't get it. I can't. Nothing else comes up. But this sense, this thing keeps coming up, that I should be bringing this into the discernment process about whether or not I meant to have children. And I asked her, my director, for the spiritual exercises, was a religious sister. Is that even possible? Like, how is this something up for discernment? Because the teachings of the church is very clear, right? I mean, if I'm a married person, I should be having kids. Why would God be inviting me to discern this? 

[00:20:57] But, she asked, I mean, she was my SD, right? She was my director, so, as we prayed about it a little more, it really seemed like that was the invitation from the Holy Spirit to bring this into prayer. And so, we did.

[00:21:17] And what emerged during this process of discernment was, it was very strange. Okay, strange as in, I think, uncommon. Okay, one of the exercises is to imagine the best possible scenario. So, you have option A, option B. Scenario A, scenario B. Scenario A is if you have children, in this case. Scenario B is if you didn't have children.

[00:21:43] And you imagine, in a sense, what was the best possible potential, the most fulfilling idea or dream that would meet option like scenario A and scenario B, right. So, when I prayed about scenario A, which was that, okay, I'm a mother and I have children. What would be the most amazing scenario I can imagine? What's in my heart? What's the desire of my heart?

[00:22:07] And immediately, the picture that came was that I had 10 sons and all 10 became priests, okay. I mean, it was bizarre. Bizarre in a sense, it's like, that surprised me, okay. But without hesitation, immediately, what emerged as a desire of my heart was, yeah, I will have these kids and then they will all become priests.

[00:22:32] Okay, so, it's, I guess what the question later will be like, what does this symbolize? What is that saying? Then when it came to scenario B, where scenario B is then that I don't have children, that my husband and I don't have children. What is the most amazing possibility that I can imagine? What I had was this image of the two of us free for service in a way that is very different.

[00:23:04] So, it was availability. It was a different kind of availability., And it felt very beautiful somehow, in me. But it was also scary because there was a part of me didn't want to accept that such a scenario could be beautiful. That I was married, but I didn't have kids. But that struck me, right?

[00:23:27] That actually it felt there was a certain lightness when I imagined that scenario. Then, another part of the discernment process was a different method. Not so much using the imagination, but pretty much as more straightforward pros and cons. Like what can you write down as all the advantages or the plus points of scenario A and then all the disadvantages of both scenarios, right?

[00:23:51] So, when I just tried to answer the question, like what are all the advantages of all the good things about having children? You know, the very first thing on the top of my list was that our parents - so, my husband and I, my parents would be happy because they would have grandchildren.

[00:24:11] And then I can't remember now what was second. I was already at three and four and you know, what hasn't appeared is that I would be happy. And that scared me because I was like, oh no, is there something wrong with my desires? Why is it that I'm not wanting this and I didn't even realize that I didn't have that deep desire for children myself? I never knew that and then I was afraid that there's something wrong with me because that would mean that I'm selfish, right?

[00:24:40] And then when I compiled the list of what would be the benefits of not having children. So, do you know what's the top of my list there? So, the top of the list of benefits of having children the first is that our parents would be very happy because they would be grandparents and they would have grandkids, right.

[00:25:02] At the very top of the list of the benefits of not having children for me, the first thing that came out was I would have lower statistical risk of uterine cancer. I kid you not. It's kind of funny, right? I couldn't believe when that came out when I was writing it out that seriously, that's like the first advantage I can think of me childless.

[00:25:26] It was just, it revealed to me - no, sorry. Oh, sorry. No, no. No, I’ve got it wrong. That actually was on the list. That's on the list of the plus points of having children - lower risk of uterine cancer. Okay, that might have been number one. And the second, one of these was number one, and one of these was number two, okay?

[00:25:48] That our parents would be happy because they have grandchildren, and then, that one, the other one would be that I would have statistically lower risk of uterine cancer. So, basically, God was revealing to me what was in my heart, and it was, at that time, troubling. But what emerged from that space was that I didn't know I wasn't free enough to know my own desire to accept what was in my own heart and to trust that God loves me or that God would give me freedom to choose with Him what He may have already planned for me.

[00:26:28] FREEDOM TO ACCEPT THE ANSWER
So, back then in 2011, I was still much younger. Having children was still very much the age of you know, possibly having kids. And people around that time were always asking us when were we going to have kids, which is one of the sources of sometimes, I think our pain and our trouble, which is that one, it's a very private thing that we are grappling with. 

[00:26:58] And two, even physically around that time, we were having, I had a situation I had a condition where it was harder to conceive. Okay, so, we weren't like really trying - trying. Even if we really had wanted to, we would have been having a difficult time, right? And it always struck me how insensitive people were.

[00:27:21] I know they don't realize it, but how invasive the advice the comments, and sometimes how smug even, when it comes from people who are younger than me and who are already parents. They don't realize it, okay? But it can come across sometimes as a little bit smug or a little bit condescending when they try and advise you on why you should have your kids now and not later and all that.

[00:27:47] And I wished, back then, that I was maybe free enough to say back or to share, you know, sometimes it's not a matter of whether you want or not, right? I mean, there are a lot of other factors at play. But when I was in this discernment process or in this spiritual exercises and I realized that the Lord was actually inviting me.

[00:28:09] He wanted me to have a say. He wanted, it's like He wanted me to desire together with Him what He has planned for me. What I just couldn't wrap my head around was that it seemed to imply that it's possible that God's plan for me, His plan that comes from love, might be that I won't have my own children.

[00:28:36] I think most of us have always associated that the goodness of God in this kind of context would be to give you children. We find it hard to even imagine that the goodness of God and the good plan that he has may include us not having children. But here I was, being invited to trust in Him and then look at my heart and to possibly find and discover in my heart that He has already given me a desire that aligns with His plan for me.

[00:29:09] But I was too caught up in my scripts of having to be doing everything right, having to be the best Catholic possible, that I couldn't think that there was any other possibility, right? The script of being a good Catholic weighed on me and made it hard for me to believe that God's love could come in very unexpected ways and in ways that do not follow the script of being a good Catholic.

[00:29:38] So, I wasn't able during the time that year in, when I was doing the spiritual exercises, for me to actually discern with the Lord. I felt the invitation the Lord was giving me was to discern, to listen to whether or not He actually desires for us to have our children, to have our own children, right?

[00:29:57] I was too scared to discern because I was not free enough to accept the possibility that maybe the answer is no. And that I might be happy with that I was very ashamed with the possibility that I might be happy with God's plan for us not to have children. Okay, so, this is quite different from, I think, a lot of people's stories of struggling with childlessness. But I know that there are also people out there who maybe find that you don't desire to have children or you're afraid to have children for whatever reason and you don't even allow yourself to look deeper as to what is going on inside you. 

[00:30:37] Why is it that, perhaps, you feel that way? Because immediately you're shaming yourself or if you voice what is real, people, maybe you've experienced being shamed by people, being lectured by people, that that is selfish, right?

[00:30:50] And so, then you're still stuck, still stuck in unfreedom, in shame, and in that situation how can we know who we are? How can we believe that God is truly good? How can we believe that God's plan for us is good regardless of how it might look like, what form it may take? So, as I reached the end of my exercises, the spiritual exercise of St. Ignatius, what I brought to a close for this specific thing, it wasn't the only thing that I was praying, but what I brought to a close was the assurance.

[00:31:21] I felt like the assurance I had from the Lord was, yes, you're not ready yet. You're not free enough yet to actually discern this question. You're not free enough yet to hear the answer I have for you, but you don't have to worry about it.

[00:31:31] And I felt like Christ was telling me when the day comes that you are ready, you will know. You will know. You will know what My will is for you. You will know what My plan is for you, and you will be able to be at peace with that. So, that day did come, I think, three or four years after I did the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius.

[00:31:54] READY IN ACCEPTANCE
Okay, and it came on Pentecost. On a day of Pentecost. I remember very clearly, because this was 2015, so, it was four years after because my husband and I attended Pentecost mass at a church, that we hadn't attended Pentecost mass in for like the previous few years. So, it was a different church that we usually went to. 

[00:32:15] And during mass, there was this little boy, maybe about three years old, that was kind of like in front of us and off to the side. And he was alone with his mother, but he was super, super adorable, okay. He was like, he wasn't super adorable and he was so earnest and really into the mass. I had such a rare sight, okay?

[00:32:35] It's like he was kneeling and he was praying and he was participating with gusto. He sang so loud and I just thought, oh my gosh, he's so cute. How come if I was sitting next to him, I just want to hug him, you know? And then I had the thought for a moment. No, I haven't had, I haven't really thought of it for a long time, but I had a thought like the first time, kind of like a bit of a yearning.

[00:32:56] Like, you know, how beautiful it would be if I had a child and I could share that experience, that love that I have of Christ with my own child. So, it was during mass. So, and my husband and I are very - I mean, we didn't say anything to each other, you know? It was only after communion. We went out and received communion and I came back and I was praying after communion.

[00:33:18] I suddenly had this image in my mind. Ah, it was very vibrant and it was very vivid. I mean, it wasn't like a, you know, I wasn't seeing it with my physical eyes, but I saw this vision of me and my husband being really alive and really happy and we were surrounded by people, like were busy. We were in the midst of doing something and I felt like I could tell that in that vision, we were on mission and we were really, really alive and we were really happy. And then I noticed in that picture there were no children. It's like there were no children in that picture. And I suddenly knew without a doubt, that God was telling me, this is My desire for you, and this is My plan for you.

[00:34:06] The vocation I have called you to is a different one. And although you're married, there are no children. And I couldn't wait till after mass to speak to my husband about it. And as we were walking out of the church, I turned to him and I said, I have to tell you something that happened during mass, and he said I was going to say the same thing.

[00:34:29] I said, really? He said, yes. I said, God said something to me, and he said, God said something to me too. We were like, I can't remember who went first, but we're like, okay, okay, what is it? And you know what was amazing? It was exact same thing. Turns out, throughout the mass, both of us were eyeing the same little boy.

[00:34:45] Both of us were having the exact same thoughts about, wow, you know. What if we had we had our own kid, you know? And then it was the same thing for my husband that during communion or after communion when he was praying, he just had that certainty that we don't need to ask the Lord anymore. We don't need to doubt anymore that our mission, our vocation, both our personal vocations and the mission that's given to us as a couple, was one that doesn't have children, that doesn't include children.

[00:35:21] And since that day, like immediately there was this weight that lifted out. It was such a joyous Pentecost for us. It was like, there wasn't this thing hanging over our heads anymore. We didn't know yet, at that time, what our individual vocations were yet.

[00:35:36] You know, it took a long while. That was 2015. That's like eight years ago, right? I was nowhere near really knowing what my vocation, my personal vocation was yet, but it was this. Trust and this freedom because you know when they say when you discern and discernment is about cutting away.

[00:35:54] When you cut away options, it actually gives you freedom to know that something's not for you. It's just as successful discernment as knowing that something is for you. And for us, at that point in 2015, we were married for eight years. After eight years of marriage and on and off praying, discerning, asking the Lord, you know about family, about children and all the things that we felt in secret because it's not something that you talk about and having to deal with all the questions and all the advice and all, and then feeling like, okay, my husband didn't have as much an issue about the good Catholic thing because he wasn't a cradle Catholic.

[00:36:33] I think this is something that cradle Catholics have more issues with This the weight or the burden of being a good enough Catholic. Okay, so, that was me. That was me. I had the additional, you know, I need to be a good Catholic thing. And not having kids would make me not as good a Catholic, married woman, right?

[00:36:50] So, I shed that. I shed that, that Pentecost when it became clear, and I don't know how to explain. I know that God loves me, and I know his love is true, and I know that this is a blessing, not a curse. I'm not saying that, I'm not trying to impose this, my story on anyone. I think everyone has a different journey.

[00:37:11] CHILDLESSNESS AND OUR INTERIOR JOURNEY
Everyone has a different struggle, and your reason for struggling with childlessness could be different from mine. But I guess I'm sharing my story because I realized that subconsciously there were so many things that were contributing to my struggle and to my pain and I didn't even realize that. And that is how the journey of interior integration actually also impacts our struggle with being childless or not. 

[00:37:44] Because the specific ways that we may be bound by our scripts could be different. There could be different factors in our life that are causing us pain. But when you know, not just in the head, but like in the heart and in the body, that this is a blessing. That even childlessness is a blessing, you can't explain why, yet, you don't know.

[00:38:10] It would take maybe the rest of your life in following, discerning and following your personal vocation and then experiencing and seeing the fruits of that vocation to see how good the Lord is and why it is that your specific vocation does not include children even though you're married. That's the nature of the journey of faith, right?

[00:38:33] I mean, we don't know. We can't explain it. And it's very challenging because it requires us to break from the herd. Break from the herd in the sense of there are many universal teachings, right? As Christians, as Catholics. And the teachings are there for a reason and it's good. But for each specific life and each specific person, beauty, and dignity looks different.

[00:39:05] Can we believe that if we're married and childless that we have as much dignity and honour as the married couple that has eight children or ten? Can we believe if we're someone who has been divorced and therefore also in a Catholic kind of setting mindset, we will see ourselves as less than because we feel that that's how people see us, as less than especially if we're remarried, right?

[00:39:31] And maybe perhaps even remarried outside the church. Whatever your status may be, in terms of am I a good enough Catholic, whether I can receive Communion or not, can we believe that we have no less dignity and honour in God's eyes? It's hard. It's hard to believe, isn't it? It's hard to believe because in practice, what we experience tells us something different.

[00:39:56] And yet, and yet, that is what the Church also teaches. The church also teaches that we have no less dignity and honour no matter what is the state of life you are in no matter what the situation you are in. That is why judgment is reserved for God alone. Now speaking, like I said, I'm not speaking about matters of church teaching or not.

[00:40:16] I'm speaking to Individuals who are struggling with life situations that make them feel, that make you feel, that somehow you are less than, that you're not good enough, as a Catholic. The invitation that I found that God offers is, regardless of what my experience is from others, can I receive more of His love until I believe that truly I am beloved, and I can stand even with my head held high. Because even if others don't believe it, I believe it.

[00:40:54] I believe that I am worthy, I have dignity, there is honour in my life, that I am blessed. Even though, maybe by my choice, as well as things that are not of my choice, my life may not look perfect or match the ideal that is being exalted for everyone. So, your question earlier, this person's question was how do I be authentic with myself, with God, and the people around me as I make sense of my struggle with infertility?

[00:41:29] AUTHENTICITY
So, authentic with God, but with myself. I love that you included that. How can I be authentic with myself, with God, and the people around me as I make sense of my struggle? So, like, what I shared in my story, I didn't even realize that I was not authentic with myself. Only for me, it was only going through the spiritual exercises of Saint Ignatius that God revealed to me the truth about what was in my heart and it was hard for me to accept that. 

[00:41:55] He was inviting me to be authentic with Him, with what was in my heart. And I struggled to be authentic with Him as well because I was more concerned with what looked good on the outside. I was more concerned with the performance and the standard that I was supposed to live up to. And that kept me from being authentic with God.

[00:42:17] And then the third part, how can I be authentic with others? I think that's a very difficult one when others are not people who understand from the inside, your own struggles. And this is something that I've learned, there's no need to say too much, especially, there's no need to explain and rationalize and justify too much. If anything, this is the time to exercise boundaries and to maybe tell people, tell people when their questions are being too invasive or to just say that's something that I've already lifted up to God and I'm at peace with whatever.

[00:42:59] He leads me into, I mean, that was for me. I'm not saying that that should be something that you, the person who's asking this question, you need to find what is your authentic response that you can give to the people in your life that you may find difficult to deal with. So, I know that would be very different for different specific circumstances.

[00:43:20] There could be very different kinds of scenarios where you may feel triggered or activated or dysregulated, but at the heart of it, as you become integrated, in your core, and you grow in your trust with God, it happens slowly. And yes, it happens through struggle, right? But I know you're on that journey because of the conversation, the side conversation that we've been having.

[00:43:48] Ultimately it is the trust that God has a beautiful purpose for your life, right? Not just you in yourself, and also that you have a call and you have a mission. And that your call and your mission is not only unique, it is irreplaceable, and it is beautiful. And if that mission includes children, it includes children.

[00:44:14] If that mission doesn't include children, it doesn't include children. Can you trust that God will, that God loves you and wants to bless you? That's all I can offer you at this point. It's still a question. I'm not saying you have to force yourself into trusting God. But I just want to encourage you that God and the reality of the kingdom is a lot bigger than our scripts kind of like make us believe.

[00:44:48] And that living, the actual living out of our relationship with Christ, infidelity to our faith, infidelity all that, it isn't so black and white. It isn't so cut and dried as a lot of people may want to make us feel and believe. But that's also why this journey can feel lonely. Because usually, few people get that and even fewer people may share the same struggles that you do.

[00:45:18] So, I pray for you that you will find resources or people that can understand what it's like on your side what it's like to have this struggle. But more than that, I pray for you, that you will experience the love of God in a way that breaks open, the kind of like the box that maybe you've put yourself in and the box that you've put God in.

[00:45:49] There are no boxes when it comes to God and there are no boxes when it comes to a relationship with Christ. So, I pray for you and I bless you and I pray for everyone who may be watching this video or listening to this as a podcast, who has some secret struggle as well, whether it's being childless, or just having your marital status, or your family life being seen or judged by others or yourself as somehow not good enough, whether it's by your culture, by your family, by your religion, whatever that is.

[00:46:27] May you find that this cross can also turn into victory and resurrection and great spiritual abundance. Because, and I just realized, I’ll end up with this - that I didn't mention when I was in that process of doing the spiritual exercises, at one point I felt the Lord ask me, God ask me, and will you have my children? Will you receive all the children I want to give you? And will you receive them with open hands?

[00:47:00] But open hands in a sense that they will come and then they will leave. They will come and they will leave. And this will happen many, many times. And I knew he was talking to me not about biological children, but about spiritual children. And I felt that the Lord tell me, you will feel the same pain because whenever you need to let go of the children that I send your way, right? But if you are willing to mother My children, then I will give you many.

[00:47:31] Speaking as a woman, every woman is called to spiritual motherhood, regardless whether we're single or married, or in religious life, whether or not we have our own children or not. We have all been blessed with this call to mothering, to spiritual mothering. I think in our own unique personal vocations, we will find that it delights us as much as it delights God to be fully aligned with what He has given us, how He has created us.

[00:48:02] So, that is it. This was a very deep topic for me to share on. I hope that it comforts you. All right. And thank you so much for your vulnerability in asking such a question, okay?

[00:48:21] CONCLUSION
Thank you for listening to Becoming Me. The most important thing about making this journey is to keep taking steps in the right direction. No matter how small those steps might be, no matter where you might be in your life right now, it is always possible to begin. The world would be a poorer place without you becoming more fully alive. 

If you like what you hear on this podcast and would like to receive a monthly written reflection from me, as well as be updated on my latest content and offers, make sure you subscribe to my newsletter, Begin Again. You can find the link to do that in the show notes. Until the next episode, happy becoming!