Finding Self-Love Amidst Compulsions & Addictions

EPISODE 127 | FINDING SELF-LOVE AMIDST COMPULSIONS & ADDICTIONS

A lot of times people, you know, think the issue is the addiction, right? And it's to stop the addiction and why the addiction. The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain? Because our addictive and compulsive behaviours are often responses to protect us from some underlying pain. 

[00:00:21] INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Becoming Me, your podcast companion and coach in your journey to a more integrated and authentic self. I am your host, Ann Yeong, and I'm here to help you grow in self-discovery and wholeness. If you long to live a more authentic and integrated life and would like to hear honest insights about the rewards and challenges of this journey, then take a deep breath, relax, and listen on to Becoming Me. 

[00:00:50] Hello, hello. And good morning, everyone. Today, I am going to be talking about and recording for my podcast, Live, this topic that on one hand, I think is very dear to our hearts. As in it's something that's very close to us, very intimate to us. But on the other hand, it's something that we probably never talk about openly or very, very rarely talk about openly because there's a lot of shame involved.

[00:01:36] THE SHAME OF COMPULSIONS AND ADDICTIONS
And that's because I'm going to be talking today about loving ourself. Or loving ourselves, loving myself in our compulsions, in our addictions. Okay, so we don't often share, do we, about compulsions and addictions? Maybe it is easier to talk about compulsions and addictions that are a little bit more socially acceptable, perhaps like, you know, binge eating maybe junk food or maybe overworking or being a workaholic, you know? Some of these compulsions, they're still compulsions, at the end of the day.

[00:02:20] But some of them, maybe we feel less ashamed talking about. But when our compulsions have to do with substance abuse, or anything that's sexual, there is usually a lot of shame and secrecy. And for some of us, for whom maybe the persona of being really responsible and in control and disciplined and maybe even holy, is important to us. 

[00:02:49] PERSONAL STRUGGLES AND SHAME
Okay, and so, I count myself as that - a big part of the way I needed to see myself. The scripts that ran my life was that I needed to be the responsible one, the one that was trustworthy, the one that people could look up to. So, I held myself to very high standards and that meant that even the more socially acceptable kinds of compulsions, like maybe binge-watching TV or binge reading novels, even if they're not like salacious, trashy novels, to me, that already would trigger shame.

[00:03:27] Because that meant that I was not in control of myself. It would mean that, you know, I can't help myself. So, lack of discipline was always something that I would feel ashamed about. So, can you imagine if I was already feeling shame over let's say, not being able to control my eating, not being able to control maybe my watching or consumption of media, of reading, or even of overworking.

[00:03:55] It's funny, right? So, overworking is a double-sided sword that on one hand, it feeds my script of, you know, I'm really productive and I'm very capable. But on the other hand, as I learned that overworking is also a sign of sloth, right? Which is one of the seven capital sins. That sloth isn't just when you're not doing anything.

[00:04:16] It could be when you're compulsively overdoing, right? That's also, it's not a virtue. It's also part of sloth. I also began to feel shame at not being able to be gentler on myself and to rest when I needed to. Okay, so, if I was really feeling shame for all that, imagine the degree or the depth of shame I felt for the more - I don't know. You know, like, because part of the addiction that I had at one point in my life was an addiction to reading really trashy novels, right?

[00:04:49] Which my husband said was porn for women. And I don't deny that. At the time I was rather defensive. But I say that it was an addiction because at one point in my life, I knew that it was getting out of hand. I wanted to stop and I couldn't stop it. I was needing to read like more and more graphic literature in order to get that high or, you know, whatever it was that I was looking for.

[00:05:14] I knew it was sinful. There was a lot of shame and yet I couldn't stop. So, but that, it was part of a pattern. It was part of a larger pattern, and there were others as well. Okay, so, I'm not going to just share everything out here. I just want to say enough for you to connect with the areas in your life, okay, the areas in your life where you're struggling with compulsion or addiction and it could be you may think of it as rather mild, like not too serious. 

[00:05:42] Or it could be something that is really out of control and in secret. It could be something that you knew or that you know if people found out, it could probably ruin your life or your career or your family. I just want to say, that whether it's large scale or small scale, we all struggle with compulsion and addictions, right?

[00:06:05] THE CYCLE OF ADDICTION AND REPENTANCE
So, I just want to talk about from the perspective of interior integration, what has changed for me, okay, that has allowed me to learn to love myself even when my compulsions get the better of me, even when I haven't eradicated what I consider to be these problematic or sinful behaviours that are very compulsive.

[00:06:29] Okay, so, for me, my compulsive or addictive behaviours have always to do with binge consumption. It soothes me somehow. So, whether it is junk food or reading material. At one point even, even good fiction. I just cannot stop. I know it's out of control when I can't even stop to eat or sleep. It could be watching something. It could be social media. It could be buying stuff. I also have sometimes this compulsion to, I just need to buy.

[00:06:59] So, buying for me, it's usually books or technology related stuff. Those are my areas of weakness. If you think about it, consumption is kind of like I need to take something in and subconsciously perhaps it is to fill the emptiness that I've always felt in me.

[00:07:19] Okay, so, my compulsions always have to do with consumption, like putting things into me. And my old approach to trying to control my compulsive, my compulsive behaviour and my addictions would be very straightforward, which is that this is wrong, this is a lack of discipline, this is sinful, I need to eradicate this.

[00:07:43] Like, if I know what's good for me, I should try and eradicate this. Now, clearly, I mean that didn't happen. I mean, in my life, compulsions are repetitive, right? So, I usually swing in pendulums, where there will be times when the compulsions and addictions are really bad. And usually this is all done in secret. Like, I don't share this with people. I don't want people to know that Ann is out of control, right? That I'm missing sleep, watching one episode, you know, after another of whatever TV series it is that I may be hooked on at that point in time.

[00:08:16] So, that's one reason why I do not have an active Netflix subscription, because I know I'm very prone to that, to this particular compulsion. So, the thing that would happen in the past would be, I also get dissociated. I dissociate within myself when I am compulsively doing something, so that I won't feel the guilt that I actually do feel. about giving into these temptations. Okay, my compulsions, my addictions, I become dead to myself in some sense. This is like I numb out at the same time.

[00:08:57] And that happens until I feel bad enough about myself or I get sick enough about the state that I'm in because you imagine if you go for a few days hardly sleeping eating at very odd hours because you can't stop just compulsively watching something or doing something or reading something.

[00:09:21] I mean, clearly, clearly that can't be sustainable. And at some point, sometimes, I may fall sick or I will just get so sick of how messed up I was, how out of control I was, that I will reach a point where I'll go to confession. Because for me, that's also part of what I learned in my own experience.

[00:09:40] I think it's also part of the culture that I am, the religious culture that I am, and it's not a bad thing, okay? It's not a bad thing. I think it's great. It's really very helpful, especially in the earlier parts of my journey. One way for me to have a fresh start was to go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation as a Catholic. Right, where I would share candidly. So, I would name the truth of what I was struggling with, all these compulsions and addictions and all that kind of a thing, and I would feel like I have a fresh start. Okay, I receive absolution, I feel like I can now begin again on a clean slate. Usually after that, there is sincere repentance and I really try very hard to manage myself.

[00:10:23] Maybe, you know, try and hold myself accountable in different ways. Maybe have an accountability partner or whatnot. I go for spiritual direction regularly as well. So, I do try and put different measures in place to manage or make sure that it's not so easy for me to fall back into my compulsions and addictions. And when I do, having the space to speak truth, to confess to it, or to talk honestly about it and receive forgiveness in the sacrum of reconciliation, that helped me manage, in a sense - like I said, manage said manage my compulsions and my addictions.

[00:11:04] But it didn't lessen them over time. I think it was just that sometimes, I would have longer periods of time where I felt that I was more virtuous, that I was more in control. A lot of these things are contingent on how well I lived my life and how disciplined I was in my prayer life, you know, et cetera, et cetera.

[00:11:25] Again, I just want to say, I'm not saying that it's bad, but I'm going to share with you how that wasn't enough and what has changed since then. 

[00:11:34] EXPERIENCING GOD'S UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
Okay, so, why it wasn't enough was that my relationship with myself when I caved to my compulsions and addictions was one of severe criticism, deep shame. You know, immediately the inner voice would always be one of like, you know, look at how sinful you are, you know, there's something really wrong with you. And then I couldn't respect myself. I really got very sick of the lack of respect I had for myself when I couldn't control my compulsions.

[00:12:09] Right, and that's actually what led me to seek wholeness. It isn't just that I didn't want to be a sinner. I hated this lack of freedom because when you are in the grip of compulsions and addictions, of course, clearly, you're not free, right? So, I know I wasn't free and I got sick of that.

[00:12:30] The interesting thing was that as I went through one cycle after another cycle of kind of like repentance and then, you know, greater periods of virtuousness and discipline and then falling again into my compulsions and addictions. It was like a rinse and repeat kind of a situation. I began to realize that I feel far from God and I feel far from myself when I am in the midst of my compulsions, because there is this underlying sense of worthlessness because I'm doing this, because I'm out of control, because I'm sinning. I am not worthy of love, right.

[00:13:13] So, this belief, this relationship I had with myself in the past, was that as long as I'm still an addict, or as long as I am still giving in to my compulsions, as long as I am in the midst of sinning, I'm not worthy of love. And ironically, or I could say paradoxically, that mindset, or that belief, actually kept me from the very medicine that I needed, which was love, which was to be loved by God, to experience being loved by God, and to experience being loved by myself. Like when I am in the grip of my compulsions and addictions or when I'm sinning, that actually is when I need love the most, right?

[00:14:00] And I couldn't give that to myself and I had no access to that, right? Fortunately, there was a sacrament. Fortunately, there were ways for me to reset. But in terms of the interior journey, nothing much changed. Until the Lord began to reveal to me that there were deeper underlying, like foundational issues in my life, in my humanity that needed righting right? That it wasn't about trying to be more disciplined. It wasn't about trying to be more virtuous. It wasn't about trying to be more prayerful or becoming more frequent in the sacrament. All that was still kind of like on the surface.

[00:14:41] Some of us who already are trying to take our faith seriously and really trying to eradicate sin in our life, for example, we get frustrated because we find that we are repeating the sins that we bring into confession, right? And sometimes if we have a good confessor a wise confessor or a spiritual director, they may say to us maybe you need to reflect a bit on what is the root sin?

[00:15:03] So, not just the symptom of what is it that we're doing, right? But the root. Unfortunately, at least in my experience, when the only framework we have to accompany ourselves in this interior journey is one of sin and forgiveness, it's very constrained. It doesn't get us very far because when we're so hung up about our sinfulness, and if we think about how at the root of our sin is another sin, for example, it's like we can't get out of that shame. We can't get out of that shame spiral, you know. It's still something that's wrong with me. 

[00:15:41] THE ROLE OF SELF-COMPASSION
What I have found very transformative in my journey is to not just look at the issues that I have in my journey as a matter of sin. I'm not saying that it's not sinful or that sin doesn't exist. I'm saying that we need a larger perspective.

[00:16:02] We need a bigger frame. We need to let really the light of God's love and the way He looks at us into the picture and make that the primary perspective. When God looks at us, does He look at us and the first thing or the main thing he sees is a sinner or is the main thing that He sees belovedness, His precious child?

[00:16:29] Now, we know. I think many of us know intellectually that it is actually the latter. That when God looks at us, He's not thinking to Himself, oh, you know, "you wretched sinner". But "you are my beloved". But our reality, our lived reality, so often, is the first one is that I'm a sinner. I'm a sinner. I'm a sinner.

[00:16:49] And even if we tell ourselves that I'm a loved sinner, the emphasis is on the sinner part and not on the loved. And that's exactly why we can't heal and why we don't become more whole because it is not being focused on not sinning that makes us more whole. We need to be loved into wholeness, right?

[00:17:08] Integration is being loved into wholeness. So, what has changed after I began to heal, especially after I started inner child healing? I took on a less black and white lens about even my compulsions and my addictions. I realized actually, I was scandalized. I was scandalized at how God loves me in the midst of my compulsions and addictions.

[00:17:39] He did it first. I got to say if I had an experience in my relationship with Him, that that's how He loves me. He loves me in the midst, like He doesn't he really doesn't love me any less when I am caught up in my compulsions and addictions. And I couldn't understand that. I mean, it's like I needed that so much, but yet a part of me couldn't believe that because I've been so conditioned to believe, like I need somehow to be made worthy to receive God's love, right?

[00:18:06] As part of the script, the cultural script that I have both in terms of my family and I guess, even in my faith, the dominant script - okay, again, I'm not pointing fingers or pushing blame, but I know that many of us struggle with that. So, to experience the scandal of God's love, not just once, not only in the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

[00:18:30] Because if you think about it, Sacrament of Reconciliation is when I've decided to get my act together and, you know, I bring myself to confession and then I receive God's forgiveness. What I began to actually experience was that even outside of the sacrament, even in the midst of when I am in the grip of my compulsions, I can talk to God in the midst of it.

[00:18:52] I can let Him in. I can tell Him, okay, I know I'm watching, let's say, for example, like, you know, way too much TV right now for my good. I know this is my compulsive behaviour. I know this is not the best use of my time, for example. But I'm doing it. I can't help myself. I'm just doing it right now. Lord have mercy. Or like, you know, like, I can say, if I feel I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[00:19:19] But the difference from the past was, even in the midst of this, outside of the sacrament of reconciliation, I am praying. Because conversation with God, prayer is being with God, right? And because I can bring that into conversation with God as, even as it is happening, or right after, I began to experience having space within me to non-judgementally ask myself, what's going on? Why have I fallen back into these very compulsive patterns? What's going on?

[00:19:56] Because the biggest story is always what's happening outside of those times when I'm doing my compulsive or addictive behaviour. There's something else that's going on that's making me seek soothing or numbing or comfort in my addictive or compulsive behaviour. There was a phrase that I found really, really helpful. It's, I think it's something that Dr. Gabor Maté Said. And Dr. Gabor Maté talks a lot about trauma and there was a documentary that you can actually watch online. It's called The Wisdom of Trauma and I think it's from the documentary from the film.

[00:20:31] He works with addicts and he says a lot of times people, you know, think the issue is the addiction, right? And it's to stop the addiction and why the addiction. He said the question is not why the addiction. He said the question is why the pain, right? The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain? Because our addictive and compulsive behaviours are often responses to protect us from some underlying pain. Now, that is a perspective that I didn't have earlier on in my journey. Even though I knew I was in pain, it was almost like I thought living the virtuous life and getting rid of sin in my life is completely separate from the pain that I have. But actually, they're linked, right? Actually, they're linked.

[00:21:21] What has changed as I healed, as I begin to heal, right, is. I began to experience being more and more deeply and unconditionally loved by God even in the midst of my inability to stop my addictive and compulsive behaviours. I began to experience and learn how to allow myself to be loved even in the midst of my helplessness.

[00:21:44] In my helplessness to stop my behaviours, I began to learn to not judge myself but to just observe myself when this is happening. And when there is no judgment, it's interesting, right? Because when there is judgment, when I judge myself for doing these things, actually I just exacerbate the cycle, the cycle that I'm in.

[00:22:04] But when I learn to observe myself without judgment, experiencing that God doesn't withdraw His love from me, He doesn't take away His love from me, His presence from me, even when I'm doing whatever I'm doing. That actually gives me the security to begin to look deeper at what's actually going on.

[00:22:29] So, what I've shared right now, kind of described it. I want to give you a perspective, one from the spiritual dimension. What this is, why is it that I can, let's say not judge myself or I can learn to not judge myself, but just look at myself and allow myself to be loved.

[00:22:46] And that in a very interesting way, when I learned to let myself be loved in the midst of my compulsions and addictions, I actually become more able over time to come out of them. Like my compulsions and addictions actually have less of a hold over me, right? 

[00:23:02] And from the lens of spirituality, this is often, we say, it's a mystery. It's the mystery of divine love. It is divine love, pure and simple. God's love is absolute, unconditional, limitless, and something about being loved by God, when we really allow ourselves to receive it, gives us the empowerment, the power to respond to his love and to love ourself. So, our ability to be virtuous and loving is in response to being loved first. That's the perspective of faith, of spirituality. Our ability to be virtuous and loving is in response to being loved first. It is not because of our own strength. It's not just because we're stoic, okay?

[00:23:43] And when I took a course in the past about the Catechism of the Catholic Church, alright, so, if you're not Catholic, that's actually a very, you know, a very important book that summarizes a lot of the tenets of our faith, what we believe in. And the Catechism of the Catholic Church is divided into, split into four different, four pillars.

[00:24:04] Okay, four pillars and the last of the pillars, I believe, I mean, it's about basically living the virtuous life. Instead of that pillar being called Morality or Christian Ethics or Catholic Ethics or Catholic Morality, that pillar is titled Life in Christ. But it's really actually about Christian ethics and morality.

[00:24:27] So, why is it called Life in Christ when it could have been called Christian morality? When I was going through this course, or this book that I was reading about this, I remember being very struck that it was purposely named Life in Christ because the emphasis is this is the life we can lead in and through Christ and when Christ lives in and through us. It is not by our power. It is not by our strength, by our own human virtue that we can live even the moral life, right?

[00:24:57] So, our ability to be virtuous and loving is in response to being loved first. That's the perspective of spirituality, okay? When we talk about integration, you know, I like to bring in also a different dimension. So, apart from faith and spirituality, there's also this dimension from psychology that tells us, right, and research and science and practice has shown us that our compulsions and addictions, they are often their coping mechanisms, okay? So, heal the source of the pain. So, there's pain that is making us finding it hard to cope.

[00:25:38] So, we try, you know, we adapt. A lot of our compulsions and addictions are our psyche's way, it's almost like it's the natural design that, you know, we have to cope with pain. In order for us to continue to live in this pain, there must be ways for us to escape the pain, lessen the pain, soothe ourselves from the pain.

[00:25:59] And a lot of times, compulsions and addictions, in a sense, chosen, not freely. So, in a sense not really our choice, but it's a coping mechanism for us to co-exist with the pain in our lives, but heal the source of the pain, like the trauma, for example, and the compulsions and addictions will actually have less of a hold over us, okay? So, that's what psychology tells us or has been able to share with us. 

[00:26:27] And what I found really helpful to practice self-compassion like this whole process of interior integration. I've learned to be more compassionate to myself. And a big part of this is because I've learned that even our maladaptive behaviours.

[00:26:42] So, like these coping mechanisms that are compulsive are compulsions, are addictions. And many of them, you know, are basically sinful, whether they're venial or mortal, right? I mean, they're sinful behaviours, but they actually, come from the wisdom of God's designed for us. 

[00:26:57] So, this is taken from what's coming up now in neurobiology and neuroscience. Okay, when our system is overwhelmed, we need a way to release or to keep ourselves safe. So, we could be going to fight, flight or freeze, you know, or numbing. A lot of these things, even our compulsions and addictions, they originate from our trauma. They're actually a way for us to keep living, to keep going. They are maladaptive because they end up harming us, but they originated as a way for us to survive danger, including emotional pain and mental overwhelm. 

[00:27:37] So, this is something that happens not at the level of conscious choice. Okay, that's another thing that can help us to be compassionate with ourselves. A lot of these reactions, or coping mechanisms we picked up from a very, very young age. Okay. The pattern of it was really picked up. It was not something that we chose. It was something that our brains switched on or did, you know, whatever was available to us to help us escape overwhelming emotional pain or overwhelming physical pain. So, even just that, I think, can really invite us to have more compassion for ourselves. 

[00:28:16] INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEMS (IFS)
So the last part of this sharing, I wanted to share a resource that has been helpful. in understanding this, understanding why our maladaptive behaviours come from in a sense God's design for us. And it's from psychology. It's called Internal Family Systems (IFS). And I think in my podcast so far, I haven't really talked very much about internal family systems. I've been doing more, talking a bit more about inner child healing.

[00:28:45] So, internal family systems is, I think it started in the 80's by a psychologist Richard Schwartz. All right, and the idea is that within us, our psyche is complex and there are different parts and our parts are kind of like sorted, according to Schwartz, into three main categories. Okay, managers, exiles, and firefighters.

[00:29:07] 1. MANAGERS
So, managers are those parts of us that try and keep us safe by making sure we follow all the rules and regulations. Our manager parts often are more critical, very strict, they push us hard, they make sure we align with what other people's expectations of us are, for example, so that we will continue to be so called safe, right? Because if we do what we're supposed to do, if we follow the scripts we're supposed to follow if we meet expectations of the people in our lives who have power and authority over us, for example, then we will be safe. So, our manager parts keep us striving. Okay, often they keep us striving.

[00:29:50] 2. EXILES
Our exiles are those parts of us that are hurt and wounded. So, for example, the wounded inner child would be an exile. Okay, and there are more than one part of us that are exiled. They hold a lot of the emotional pain and the vulnerability from our past and because they're so painful, usually our exiles, they're called exiles because they are not at the forefront of our consciousness.

[00:30:13] It's too painful to be aware of their existence. So we push them deep into the recesses of like, you know, our unconscious our subconscious, but they're there. Okay, and they hold the pain they hold the pain. They hold the memories of what happened when we're abandoned were rejected, they also hold the memories often of like, you know, what the story was that led to our abandonment or rejection.

[00:30:36] And so, the managers are trying to keep, in a sense, our exiles safe by making sure that we don't end up being rejected or abandoned again, for example, okay. 

[00:30:48] 3. FIREFIGHTERS
The firefighters, the parts of us that are firefighters, literally it's called firefighters, is like, you know, what happens when your building is on fire? I mean, you may try to fireproof your building, keep it, you know, safe, have safe practices, but if a fire breaks out, you need to bring in the firefighters, right, to put out the fire. So, the firefighters are those parts of us that kick into action or they really kick into gear and they become active when pain becomes overwhelming.

[00:31:18] When let's say some of our exiles are triggered and the pain is getting too much or it's making us feel unsafe, something in our environment, whatever, it's really overwhelming us. So, pain is building. Danger. In a sense, it's like we feel like we're in danger, okay.

[00:31:36] That's when the firefighters, the firefighter parts of us kick into gear and they can take different shapes and forms, all right. But one form that firefighter, our firefighter parts can take would be our compulsions and addictions because they can soothe us in the moment when it is too overwhelming, emotionally just too overwhelming, we're just too stressed or whatever it is, you know, compulsive behaviour, addictive behaviour, whatever it is that we have in the moment, it's a release valve.

[00:32:07] It releases some of the steam. It makes life a bit more bearable, you know, it makes our emotional world a little more bearable for us to be able to function again because when it's too overwhelming, we can't function. So, sometimes our addictive and compulsive behaviours are actually parts of ourselves the firefighter parts, for example, trying to help but of course they are maladaptive over time and they end up causing more harm, right. But they came about in their origin to save us, to help us.

[00:32:40] So, just imagine if we can have this perspective, that when we find ourselves in our compulsive and addictive patterns again, that instead of immediately just shaming ourselves because this is lack of discipline, this is lack of control, this is sin, this is sinful, we can be reminded that there's something in us that parts of us are really hurting, and maybe that hurt has been a long, been there for a very long time.

[00:33:09] And our compulsions and addictions are reminders that we are not well, that we still need healing, that we need compassionate accompaniment. First and foremost, from ourselves, right? That we are loved, that God loves us and sees the wound and sees the root of the pain the emotional pain or psychic pain or whatever it is that we are dealing with that we are not even fully aware of and He wants our wholeness, He wants our wellness, He wants our health.

[00:33:40] And the only way for us to help ourselves is to be able to have enough space is to see deeper what the truth is and without compassion for ourselves, without being able to observe ourselves, even in our compulsions and addictions, without judging ourselves, without making a moral judgment of ourselves, we're not going to be able to move forward and see the deeper truth of what actually needs healing.

[00:34:11] So, internal family systems, IFS, is a framework that has helped me be able to see my compulsions and addictions with more understanding, with more empathy, with more compassion. Because it reminds me that God loves all of me and really wants to bring all parts of them, of myself together and bring the exiles home. 

[00:34:38] So, I hope today's sharing about my journey in learning to love myself in my compulsions and addictions has given those of you who are also struggling with your addictions and compulsions, maybe a new perspective on how to walk with yourself, with more patience, with more understanding and more compassion and really in a very real way to be helpful to live out the truth that we need to be loved first. We need to receive love in order to heal and in order for us to become well.

[00:35:17] And also the reminder that we shouldn't just be preoccupied with the behaviour part of it. Okay, so, the behaviour part could be problematic. It could be harming ourselves and harming others, but it's not about the behaviour, but where it's coming from and the root of that, you know, and our inner self that needs to be welcomed home and integrated. That's the more important thing.

[00:35:51] We sometimes hear the phrase, hate the sin, and love the sinner, right. And it's a very difficult distinction to make sometimes. What does that mean? It doesn't help - we're not loving the sinner or the person if we're just harping about stopping the problematic behaviour or the sin. It's not so simple. It's a much longer journey. We need to rehabilitate we as a person, our own sense of worth and dignity that we are loved utterly, completely, unconditionally, even when we still cannot stop our compulsions and addictions and our sinning.

[00:36:31] Somehow, in believing again that we truly are loved. And believing not just in our head but experiencing it in our bodies and our nervous systems, that we really are loved in the midst of our inability to stop our compulsions and our addiction. Somehow, that's what actually loosens the hold that our addictions and compulsions have over us. And that's what can bring us into integrated wholeness and wellness and holiness as well.

[00:37:03] Okay, so, that's it for today's sharing. I look forward to any questions that you guys might send my way and responding to them in future Lives. Bye! 

[00:37:15] CONCLUSION
Thank you for listening to Becoming Me. The most important thing about making this journey is to keep taking steps in the right direction. No matter how small those steps might be, no matter where you might be in your life right now, it is always possible to begin. The world would be a poorer place without you becoming more fully alive.

you like what you hear on this podcast, would like to receive a monthly written reflection from me as well as be updated on my latest content and offers, make sure you subscribe to my newsletter Begin Again. You can find the link to do that in the show notes. Until the next episode, happy becoming!