From People Pleasing to Unapologetic Confidence

EPISODE 99 | FROM PEOPLE PLEASING TO UNAPOLOGETIC CONFIDENCE

I know so many of us struggle on some level with this kind of fear and that there are a lot of people that seem very successful on the surface. I know because I was like that.

[00:00:09] I think I've always been kind of like that. I went to like really good schools. I did really well. I was a student leader. I won awards and all that kind of thing. But my gosh, whatever people may think, they may think that, oh, I know what I'm doing and that, I'm doing really well. But I felt so empty and so insecure, like such an imposter.

[00:00:27] INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Becoming Me, your podcast companion and coach in your journey to a more integrated and authentic self. I am your host, Ann Yeong, and I'm here to help you grow in self-discovery and wholeness. If you long to live a more authentic and integrated life and would like to hear honest insights about the rewards and challenges of this journey, then take a deep breath, relax, and listen on to Becoming Me. 

[00:01:04] Good morning. It's Friday and day 24 of my 30-day IG Live Challenge. I can't quite believe I've lasted this long. Let me just turn my phone off to airplane mode. So, I wanted to share something very special to me today, in today's live. Special, because it's something I'm still Digesting and mulling and pondering over.

[00:01:37] Okay, so, there's this saying that I came across a few years ago that the person that you're best equipped to serve or the person you're best equipped to help is the person you used to be or the person that you once were. And I've been finding that to be true because from the responses and feedback that I get from listeners of the podcast or from some of you who have been watching these lives Over and over again, there's a kind of refrain, which is, you made me feel validated.

[00:02:07] You made me feel like I'm not the only one going through this. You made me realize that that the struggles I'm going through is not unique to me. And there's a sense of comfort and solidarity, even as we are struggling, right? So, today, I want to share another aspect of the journey that I've been on. And to those of you who have similar experiences as me, as a person I used to be, okay. 

[00:02:34] And that's from this huge hidden fear of abandonment, okay, to a gradually emerging unapologetic confidence in just being who I am. And I say hidden because I think for most of my life, or maybe all of my life, people who knew me would probably always think that I'm confident when I speak and et cetera I'm not exactly the shy, retiring type, in case you haven't noticed.

[00:03:03] But the thing is, inside, I felt anything but confident. Sometimes, I would even feel a little puzzled when someone affirms me from my confidence because I hadn't realized that I came across as confident. Of course, there are times when I did deliberately try to come across as confident because I have been taught and trained and I've learned that that's important to appear confident, especially when you're publicly speaking, when you're communicating.

[00:03:32] So, all that I know, but there's this huge, huge dissonance and difference between how I looked like and acted like, I guess, from the outside, and how I actually felt like on the inside. So, feeling like an imposter was something very familiar to me. I always felt almost guilty when I was affirmed or validated for certain achievements or accomplishments. Because while I needed those things to feel okay about myself, I mean, I was striving and working hard to get those validations and get those kinds of affirmations.

[00:04:11] MY OLD SCRIPTS
But at the same time inside me, I never felt like I really knew what I was doing or that I really believed in what I was doing or that I really deserved, let's say, when I did get some kind of reward or achievement, I really felt like I deserved it. It didn't match how I actually felt inside me, right?

[00:04:30] Because the operating script or the ongoing belief in me was I need to be good enough. I need to be good enough for someone else so that I'll be included, so that I wouldn't be abandoned, so that I'll make it whatever make it might mean, right? So, there is this old script that was very, very much part of my life.

[00:04:57] And that is, whenever, if someone sees something in me, right, anyone, especially if it's someone - an authority over me, someone higher up. If they saw something in me, I would feel or I'll feel that I should be so grateful and I would feel so grateful that somebody actually see something good in me. Because deep down I couldn't really believe that there was anything that was really good inside me, right.

[00:05:22] So, if somebody sees something in me that maybe I didn't see in myself, I would feel like I should really reciprocate. I should really appreciate and let them know how much I appreciate them for seeing something in me and that means that I should take up whatever request or invitation or opportunity they are giving me.

[00:05:41] EXAMPLE OF MY OLD SCRIPTS & REACTIONS
Okay, so, say somebody tells me - this is when I was younger - a teacher says, okay, I know I see leadership potential in you. I want to make you a leader. Which happened a lot and back then, it was appointed. So, it's not like I had a choice. But you see, the response in me was, whoa the teacher saw some kind of leadership potential in me.

[00:05:57] She saw something good in me. I can't let her down. Now, I must be the best leader, you know, the best prefect, for example, that I can be. I can't do anything wrong because I cannot betray the confidence that this person has put in me, right? I'm going to share - so, today's sharing is mainly two stories to show you the contrast, okay, of what it felt like to be me.

[00:06:24] And this was, I guess, you can say, very hidden. Most people never saw that going on in me, okay? So, first story is when I was in undergrad, when I was in university, I think I was in my second year of undergrad and I was a psychology and philosophy, kind of like a dual major, alright? So, in psychology, some of the professors or maybe all the professors - I can't remember now - I studied in Toronto and, and the professors would have these laboratories, right?

[00:06:48] They would have labs and, in the labs, other than kind of like running social experiments on usually first year psychology students, the students that assisted the professor in the labs, they're usually graduate students or very senior undergrad students, like honours year students, okay? So, in my second year in undergrad, my cognitive psychology professor, one day she approached me after class.

[00:07:12] She asked me to stay after the lecture. And she told me that basically, she was impressed with my participation in class. I was doing very well in the class and she wanted to offer me a spot in her lab as in to be like an assistant, a paid assistant, right? So, it would be work. It would be part time work.

[00:07:33] And this spot was really actually very hard to get. Usually, you have to apply and it's competitive. The process is competitive. And like I said, it is usually only open to graduate students and senior undergraduate students. So, the fact that I was offered it without applying - I felt so, I mean, honoured, right?

[00:07:49] I mean, it was a huge. You could say it was a huge affirmation. It's like a really kind of like good job, pat on the back. But I felt frozen. I really felt frozen. Why? Okay, I didn't ask for time to think about it, which of course she said was okay, right? But here's why I felt frozen, okay? I was so afraid that whatever I decided, that somehow, I will lose her good regard of me.

[00:08:19] Because clearly right now, she thinks well of me, right? She thinks so well of me that she wants to offer me a job in her lab. And I'm just so scared that I will lose that favour. So, one, I was afraid if I accepted this job and I didn't do well and I wasn't very confident that I'll do well because I was so junior, I would be like the most junior student, student assistant there, right?

[00:08:39] So, I wouldn't be able to kind of like ace it. You know, I have this compulsion. I need to ace whatever I do so that I can impress people. So, I was afraid I'll let her down if I don't do well and then making her feel that, oh, you know, she was wrong about me or that she misplaced her confidence in me.

[00:08:54] And then, at the same time, I didn't really want to take it up because I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to excel straight away, right, and it would be very stressful. But I was also afraid that if I told her I didn't want to take the job, that I would come across as so ungrateful. I mean, she offered me this incredible opportunity, right? So, I didn't want to appear ungrateful.

[00:09:15] So, I was kind of stuck. If I said yes, I'm afraid I would lose her regard if I don't do really well. If I said no, I was afraid I would lose her regard if I came across as ungrateful. So, I couldn't sleep well for a few nights, trying to figure out how can I turn this down without coming across as ungrateful.

[00:09:36] I spent so much time trying to think of what reason I could give that would make it seem like it's a very legitimate reason for me not to accept this opportunity, this incredible opportunity and still get her to like me. Those of you who have followed my content, my podcast, you know this is a huge issue for me since I was young.

[00:09:58] I need you to like me. I need people to like me. It's my fear of abandonment speaking, right? So, in this case, with this professor, I didn't want her to stop liking me. So, finally, I decided I had to speak to her, right? I mean, I had to get back to her. So, I think the next time I saw her after next time I attended a lecture, which was probably the week after, I went to speak to her after the lecture and I was so apologetic telling her that I couldn't take up this offer to work in her lab. 

[00:10:29] And I gave her such a long list of reasons - I can't remember what reasons I gave now, okay. But I remembered I really came up with an incredible long like list of reasons of like how poor thing I was or how stressed I was or how many responsibilities I had that I already had on my plate. Which was kind of true, but really unnecessary for me to tell her right? But I needed her to understand me, right?

[00:10:51] There was this need, that maybe if she understood me, then she would continue to think well of me. And I still remember, after I went on, she let me talk. Then after I stopped, she just put her hand on my shoulder. And she said, Ann, it's okay. She was rather a bit amused, okay? And a little bit concerned, kind of look.

[00:11:12] But she just told me, it's okay. I offered you this job because there was a place in my lab. And I thought you were a very promising student. And it could help you get where you wanted to go, maybe if you were interested in doing graduate studies, in psychology and all that kind of thing. You know, this would be really good, a really good, in a sense, a kickstart, right, for you.

[00:11:32] But, it's totally okay if this is not the right thing for you now. And it was just so simple, and she said, was no expectation or no pressure on me to accept it at all. And there I had been for a whole week, feeling so stressed. So stressed and feeling so pressured that that this professor had given me this incredible opportunity and I mean it was objectively, an incredible opportunity for me, if it had been something I wanted, right. So, I made a huge deal out of this. And I was so worried and then that was it, all right? I turned that down. That was one instance.

[00:12:08] It certainly wasn't the only instance. Like seriously, oh my gosh, like every time I was offered something, it would stress me out. Okay, it would stress me out.

[00:12:19] BREAKING OUT OF OLD SCRIPTS AND HABITS
Then, now, I'm going to give you the contrast, the second story. So, just a couple of days ago - this happened just a couple of days ago - I received an invitation from someone that I admired and respected a lot for her international ministry.

[00:12:35] Okay, so, this is someone who owns a business, who sells, well, a bunch of different things, but she also runs like online groups, okay, and in the space of like spiritual direction or in the space of helping you cultivate a more contemplative spiritual life kind of thing. So, I've been a customer for a few years and I have registered - I've been one of her paid kind of clients, I guess you call that. Or you know, paid members in one of her group cohorts.

[00:13:02] And we had started maybe exchanging text messages on IG. We follow each other, okay. But I don't know her really well. But I just really respect her. And in terms of as a business owner I mean, I'm like a baby, right? Just started trying to do this. Kind of doing what I do, trying to figure out what is it I'm doing and how can I get paid for it.

[00:13:20] She's younger than me in age, but many more years ahead of me in terms of business and she has been very successful. And her reach, in terms of her ministry, is also a lot wider. Okay, and so, just a few days ago, she initiated a catch up over zoom and she's in the process of transiting her business into non-profit.

[00:13:46] And so, she's setting up a board of trustees, right? This is this is in the States. So, she's setting a board of trustees and she said that for some reason my name had been coming up. And so, she wanted to ask me if I would consider being on the board of a non-profit, right? And clearly - so, can you see the similarity with my first story here?

[00:14:09] It was a huge honour to be asked, okay? And I was really affirmed and really flattered that this woman whose business and ministry has been so fruitful and a lot more mature than my business and my ministry in this kind of space that I'm in now, and who has an international following - you know, all this.

[00:14:29] That she has seen something in my work and that she has seen something in me that she would ask me to consider being on the board of her of a company, you know, of a non-profit. So, I was deeply honoured and of course, there's a part of me that also knew what an incredible learning experience this would be because it's something I haven't done before, right?

[00:14:49] So, there's also this script in me that had been ingrained since I was young. You should always be open to learning new things and when new opportunities come your way, you should take it up because you will learn something new, right? So, there's truth in that, but it's not always the most prudent thing or the wisest thing to do. But that was a script in me.

[00:15:06] And so, there's always this part of me that says, oh, this is new. I should be humble and take this opportunity up and learn and grow, right. So, and at the same time, because the reach of her company and the reach of her ministry is so much bigger than mine is currently, at least, this was giving me an opportunity to make an impact, I thought - you know, kind of thing. Perhaps, at a level that I wouldn't be able to do on my own, right, for God's kingdom.

[00:15:34] So, I continued to listen. I mean, I asked her to continue to share what it would entail, you know, this invitation to be on the board. But as I listened to her share a bit more, it didn't take very long. When I listened to what was required to be a member on this board that she was inviting me to, I knew very clearly that based on what I know now about myself, about the way God had created me, the design that he has given me, I know that I really wouldn't bring much value by being on this board.

[00:16:02] I'm honoured that she saw something in me, but I, I know that - okay, so, the image that came to mind was kind of like, no matter how gifted I might be, it would, at this state, it kind of be like Superman in the presence of kryptonite. Like, I wouldn't be able to actually do the things that I was good at.

[00:16:19] I wouldn't actually be able to offer the gifts that she sees in me. The reasons for which somehow, she's inviting me to be on this board, they wouldn't actually benefit if I was on that board. That's what I know about myself. Now, the clarity I have about myself - and not only that I knew that if I committed to being on this board, to taking up this request, it would take away my capacity to do what God did create me for, create me to do in the rest of my life, in the rest of my work.

[00:16:48] It would take away from me, right? I would be less able to show up even like now, like for example, on my life, everything is interconnected. So, I found myself replying her. You know, as after we reached a kind of a pause, I said, okay, let me respond. And I didn't even need to ask for more time to think about it.

[00:17:07] So, in the first story I shared, remember I asked for a time, I took a week and then I couldn't sleep. I was so stressed about letting the person down, my professor down. This time, in the same conversation, I replied her and I told her, actually I did feel called to support her. I am drawn to her. I feel like we're kindred spirits and I really admire it, what she was doing. 

[00:17:28] And I feel called to support her but as a person individually. And not by being on the board of her of her non-profit You know, because I feel she has an incredible mission. She has an incredible vocation and a very, very intriguing set of gifts. These are kind of things that intrigue me, which is why my great passion when I work with clients, is to help them discover and clarify their unique design.

[00:17:53] The mix of the gifts that they have, the temperament, the personality, their motivations, as well as discovering what are the scripts that are holding them back, right? So, that's my passion. So, when I look at this woman who's already very seasoned and mature spiritually, I could intuit that I could, if she wanted me to help her, if I meant to journey with her, it could be in the area of just sharpening what she's really good at.

[00:18:15] And I found myself replying her and just telling her, that's what I can do for you. You know, so, I kind of counter proposed that if she really felt my name was surfacing when she was praying about the direction that business was going, I didn't feel called to be on the board, for what she invited me to do.

[00:18:32] But, I do feel called and excited to explore and remain attentive, gently attentive, you know, to what God may be inviting us into, which we may not know what it is yet. There may be other possibilities of collaboration or just to companion one another. And I found myself just saying all this very confidently, very matter-of-factly.

[00:18:54] I knew the ways in which I could make a difference to her and I knew the ways in which I would be useless to her, right? So, after that, we chatted and then we ended the Zoom call. And it was only after we ended the Zoom call that it struck me. It struck me how different I was, how different I was in responding to this kind of ask.

[00:19:13] I could feel the contrast and I was amazed at the speed, the clarity and the confidence in which I said no. And at the same time, how I knew exactly what I could offer instead, all right. Now, okay. So, but a part of me - and this is kind of me that afterwards I thought oh, I hope she knows how honoured I actually was. I hope I wasn't too fast in in just telling her no because I really was very honoured, all right. So, I sent her a voice message just to make sure that she knew I really was very honoured and I hope I didn't make her feel that I didn't appreciate just what an honour it was to be asked her invitation.

[00:19:51] And I mean, it was very lovely when she did reply. She said actually, no, she just saw the clarity that I had in what I was meant to do, you know? And she celebrated that with me, right? So, for me, though, the best part about this, right, it’s wonderful to be clear. It's wonderful to know exactly what I'm called to do and what I'm not called to do.

[00:20:10] But that's not the best part. The best part was there was no stress. I think, I'm sure there was grace, okay? But the fact was, here was somebody I respected, admired, and I liked, and I would love to get to know better. But I wasn't paralyzed with that fear that I used to always have that if I say the wrong thing; if I say yes and do a bad job, or if I say no and she thinks I'm ungrateful, that then I would maybe lose this connection or lose the good regard that this person may have of me.

[00:20:39] That, I didn't feel that anymore, that - I can't describe. The liberation. The journey that I've been on, right? I mean, it's not perfect and it's not always like this, you know. But I see kind of like what the difference is now the fact that I could remain grounded in who I was. The fact that it was more important to me to be faithful to my true self, to not abandon myself.

[00:21:10] So, you see in the past I was so afraid of being abandoned by the other person that I'm just so caught up about what must I do so that this person will not abandon me. There was no awareness and sense of myself or of me abandoning myself. But by choosing to be to remain faithful to who I am, what I can do and what I can't do, to be authentic. I have already not abandoned myself. 

[00:21:38] And the not abandoning of myself - so, I am more securely attached to myself. So, this connects to yesterday's live when I was talking about secure attachment. The fact that I'm more securely attached with myself now meant that I was not afraid of possibly disappointing this person that I respected of maybe even her misunderstanding me. You know, all that it would suck.

[00:22:03] I would love that if we could continue to be friends and move forward. But somehow that didn't hold me hostage anymore. That didn't bind me in the way that it used to. And I really give thanks to God for that freedom. He really has set me free. But this freedom has come through a long journey, and which is still ongoing, right?

[00:22:24] But that is the freedom that I believe that all of us long for, right? The freedom to not be ashamed of who we are, the freedom of not having to be constantly so fearful of being abandoned, that we would be unlovable or unaccepted if we said the wrong thing, or did the wrong thing, or made the wrong decision, or didn't do a good enough job.

[00:22:45] And the answer, in a sense, to move into freedom, is into love. Because perfect love casts out fear and that love is both the love that God has for us that we can receive. But also really, the love that we can have for ourselves and the faithfulness we can show ourselves sets us free. Isn't that wonderful?

[00:23:10] I mean, that's something that I'm discovering that I've been discovering and I just really wanted to share this with you guys because I know. I know so many of us struggle on some level with this kind of fear and that there are a lot of people that seem very successful on the surface. I know because I was like that.

[00:23:26] I think I've always been kind of like that. I went to like really good schools. I did really well. I was a student leader. I won awards and all that kind of thing. But my gosh, whatever people may think, they may think that, oh, I know what I'm doing and that, I'm doing really well. But I felt so empty and so insecure, like such an imposter.

[00:23:44] ACCEPTANCE AND CELEBRATION
My whole life until I began to really begin to integrate and to heal and to know myself and then to accept myself and then to celebrate myself. And now, when I do something, it doesn't feel like a fake anymore. I don't feel like a fake anymore. I don't feel like I'm an imposter anymore. I only do what is true for me.

[00:24:06] And there is this sense, although there's still anxiety. Like I said healing is not perfect, the groundedness is far from perfect. But more and more, I am confident to show up as myself because I know that some of you may like me, some of you may hate me. What I say may land really well for some of you and some of you may be like really mad at what I'm saying or maybe triggering to you.

[00:24:28] It doesn't matter because it doesn't change who I am. It doesn't matter because it doesn't change that I am loved by God and that I'm learning to love myself and no one can take that away from me, okay. And that's the joy. I really wanted to share with you in today's sharing and also to encourage you towards that, okay. To keep going towards that joy that no one can steal from you, that freedom that no one can take away from you. Because you know, you are loved from the inside out by God and by yourself. And the journey is long, and the journey is fraught, and there are many stages, but I know God will give you the grace, every grace that you need, at every stage of the journey. 

[00:25:12] He knows what you need. If He hasn't given you the grace, then you're not called to do that particular work yet, right? But even when He has given the grace, it often takes a leap of faith, it will feel challenging and uncomfortable, but you will be able to do it.

[00:25:27] Truly you will be able to do it. So, I just really wanted to give this sharing today and encourage all of you, alright? So, yeah. I forgot to say, you know, I'm open for questions, if there are any questions. In the meantime, let me just double check my notes and see if I missed out anything.

[00:25:50] Yeah, no, that was pretty much it. Just wanted to stress that the healing is not perfect, but it's okay. I don't long for or need perfect healing anymore. I used to, because I used to think that it's only when I'm perfectly healed that I will feel free, that I won't experience all that suffering that comes with that kind of anxiety and fear of abandonment.

[00:26:12] Where I am in the journey now, I know, I kind of have a sense of how the Lord accompanies me even when the healing is not perfect and it's okay because He's always going to be there. Even if I don't always feel his presence, yeah. So, all right. So, I will sign off for today.

[00:26:31] I think now today's day 24. I think there's five or six more days left to this challenge. So, if there is any question or any topic you'd like me to speak to, please don't forget send me a message. Send me a direct message and let me know. All right. Bye!

[00:26:45] CONCLUSION
Thank you for listening to Becoming Me. The most important thing about making this journey is to keep taking steps in the right direction. No matter how small those steps might be, no matter where you might be in your life right now, it is always possible to begin. The world would be a poorer place without you becoming more fully alive.

If you like what you hear on this podcast and would like to receive a monthly written reflection from me, as well as be updated on my latest content and offers, make sure you subscribe to my newsletter, Begin Again. You can find the link to do that in the show notes. Until the next episode, happy becoming!