Healing Through Delight, Beauty, Rest & Play

EPISODE 95 | HEALING THROUGH DELIGHT, BEAUTY REST & PLAY

I never had that experience before, of attunement. I never had the experience before of being in a relationship that was so safe. Miko was so safe. I think any of you, all of you dog owners out there would know what I mean. We never had a pet before. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't expect this kind of unconditional love and this kind of presence.

[00:00:28] INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Becoming Me, your podcast companion and coach in your journey to a more integrated and authentic self. I am your host, Ann Yeong, and I'm here to help you grow in self-discovery and wholeness. If you long to live a more authentic and integrated life and would like to hear honest insights about the rewards and challenges of this journey, then take a deep breath, relax, and listen on to Becoming Me. 

[00:01:05] Hey, hey, good morning all and welcome to a new week. Today it's day 20 of my 30-day IG Live challenge. And, okay. So, it looks like today is going to feel a little different. Suddenly for me, it's going to feel a little different because I'm going to be sharing about healing. Specifically, about healing through delight, beauty, rest, and play.

[00:01:39] Okay, so, it's an interesting segue from yesterday's live where I responded to a question from someone who was feeling disconnected right in her interior journey. Disconnected from the outside world. And in yesterday's sharing, I talked about why that feeling of disconnectedness is normal and that it often comes in a particular season of the interior journey; usually the season where we are being healed and then more and more deeply, a lot of things going on inside.

[00:02:10] So, after that Live, a friend of mine sent in a request - you know, kind of like a question for one of these Lives. Because I've been asking people, right? Like, is there anything you want me to talk about? And this is what she sent. 

[00:02:25] How does Miko and coffee help your interior journey? So, Miko is my dog and coffee - okay. I guess in particular, gourmet coffee - help your interior journey. And I laughed because I thought, yeah actually, Miko and coffee. And there's something else as well, played a big role in my season of healing, especially of deep healing. They were the medicine you could say that God prescribed me that I didn't know I needed.

[00:02:56] EMBODIMENT
So, I thought I would share how my dog and coffee and actually photography ended up being very pivotal for the healing that I needed at a time when I didn't understand yet. Even cognitively, I didn't understand the importance of embodiment. So, back then I didn't understand the importance of embodiment.

[00:03:21] I didn't understand the importance of integration, in the sense of a whole-body kind of integration. It was very much through these three conduits, these three things that God kind of sent into my life or invited me to explore that I discovered through experience what that healing is. Okay, so, the friend who sent this question actually requested that I put Miko, my dog, on the Live today.

[00:03:48] But unfortunately, she's not feeling very well today. So, I'm just going to give a little peek at her sleeping off camera. Usually this is where she is.

[00:04:10] So, usually, where she is when I am doing my Lives and she's quiet right now. Okay, I think I kind of disturbed her, but her tummy's not feeling very well today. And that's another thing that's kind of like funny because we didn't choose Miko. I'll come to a bit of her story later.

[00:04:34] But the dog that got sent into my life, shares an ailment with me. We both have digestive issues, and we both get digestive issues and stomach troubles, especially when we are emotionally stressed or anxious. And she also has big-time abandonment issues. So, Miko has kind of been like my companion in healing.

[00:04:57] Okay, so, what about healing? And right now, at this time in my life also, my mom is going through a medical kind of crisis. So, she just had an operation, a procedure a few days ago and she's she can be discharged later today. And it's always so - there's an element of unpleasantness, right, when it comes to healing, like for example, a surgical procedure. It's not something that we like. It's not something that we would want. It's not something that we would normally choose, but when it's necessary for our longer-term wellbeing, when it can give us the hope of recovery, of healing, of becoming more whole again - well, we have a choice, of course. We can still choose not to do what we know can help us flourish. But it is those who truly want to, I guess you can say, be more fully alive. We will choose that path. Whatever it may mean, even if it's in the short term, unpleasant or difficult or painful.

[00:06:09] Now, the same thing is true of interior journey healing and even spiritual healing. What I didn't expect, and I think a lot of you may not expect, is that, that equivalent of surgery or medication, it can come in forms that we don't expect. Okay, so, like for example, the title of today's sharing is Healing Through Delight, Beauty, Rest, and Play.

[00:06:40] You'd think, isn't delight, beauty, rest, and play good things? They are. They are. But do you know when you're so out of touch with them? When you're so used to living in a way that's very compressed, it is actually very difficult to experience delight. Actually, it makes you feel very uncomfortable to just appreciate beauty for longer lengths of time.

[00:07:07] And rest and play, in most of our lives, they are kind of like equated with waste of time, you know? It's something that you do when you have time left over, if you have time left over after getting all the more important things done, right? But when you want to be whole, when you wish to become more fully alive - okay, I think Miko's awake now. Let me bring her in. Hi, Miko. Oh. Okay, so, this is Miko. Yes.

[00:08:01] Okay, let's see if I can do this Live with her here in front of me, without disturbing the camera. Okay. She's just going to be a bit off. Okay, she's just going to be off camera for a bit after this, okay? Yes, Miko? Yeah. Okay, so, that's Miko.

[00:08:40] Okay, so, where was I? Okay, so, because this, today's Live was kind of like Miko and coffee. I also thought I would bring a cup of - you know, this is my second cup, so, it's not a very powerful cup of coffee. But so, where was I? I was talking about how rest and delight and play and all this and beauty, they don't feel natural when we are living very compressed lives.

[00:09:04] And here's the thing back when I was deep in the season of healing, when I was going through what I'm going to share today. I didn't know about trauma yet. I had no concept of complex trauma of what it did to my nervous system. Because a lot of that theory now it actually helps to explain why I can't rest why I struggle to rest. And why I really feel so much guilt and physically actually feel so wound up that even in a place of great beauty and nature, I couldn't rest. Not immediately, okay, not immediately.

[00:09:43] PHOTOGRAPHY
So, I just want to start by sharing a few photographs of what I mean. Because, okay, the first thing that happened for me was photography. I've always enjoyed photography but didn't have the time and I didn't feel that it warranted getting better equipment for me to pursue because I'm not a professional photographer and I felt it would be a waste of money to buy a better camera to take pictures.

[00:10:17] But after I burnt out and when I finally left my work and entered into a season of sabbatical, the first thing that I felt drawn to do was to buy a camera with interchangeable lenses. And something that has always been true for me, I feel drawn to images through the lens. It's different when I see it through the lens.

[00:10:40] And for me, photography is a form of both play praying and prayer. Okay. So, you see here this, this leaf, it was just - it's tattered and torn and it's really just lying on a gravel on the road, on the side of the road. But the sun was coming through, just from a particular angle and it was making that broken leaf glow. And that arrested my eye and I went very, very low to take a picture of this.

[00:11:09] So, this picture was actually taken in Melbourne during an eight-day retreat when I was there. And the brokenness, but the beauty of this leaf said a lot to me about what I was experiencing in that time; how broken I was, and yet when the sun shines on this broken leaf that's on the side of the road, it can have its moment of beauty and glory, and that gave me so much hope.

[00:11:36] This picture is taken in Chartres Cathedral in France, the Cathedral of Chartres, where the original labyrinth is - for those of you who maybe walk or have gone for labyrinth walks in Singapore. And I went there at an invitation of a good friend, of Edwina. She's been on my podcast a couple of times and she's also a collaborator.

[00:12:00] And I brought my camera there, okay. We went there for kind of like a retreat. She was also going there for training, which I didn't join the training, but I used that time to just enjoy the beauty, to be by myself in solitude and silence. And this is an image I took in the cathedral, right?

[00:12:19] These are the pews or the chairs that are actually the pews, which are easily removable. They're actually locked together and they're easily removable because a few times a week they remove all the chairs to reveal the labyrinth on the floor of the cathedral and people can walk. It's a public walk.

[00:12:36] So, but this image that I took. It's just very still. I was actually just sitting there in stillness and silence and I was just very drawn by the beauty of the simplicity of the chairs, by the lines. And so, I took this image. So, I don't know whether you are noticing. Both the images I've shared so far, there's a quality of stillness and silence and honestly, I didn't notice it at first for myself.

[00:13:05] It was when I was sharing the photographs that I have taken with friends that some of them brought up to me that how much stillness and silence was captured in the photographs that I've been taking in that season, especially, okay.

[00:13:23] This is along the Great Ocean Road in Australia. And this also happens to be the image that I use for A Leader's Spirituality, which is an online course that I taught, I've been teaching for the Catholic Leadership Centre in Singapore. So, this is kind of like the logo, the image that I use for that course.

[00:13:43] And again, it's just this bench at the side of the ocean. Isn't it gorgeous? And for me, that bench facing the ocean speaks of, again, stillness, openness, silence, solitude with God. So, especially in that season of my life, images like this really, really spoke to my heart and drew me in.

[00:14:12] And when I take my camera - so, actually outside of this frame, there's actually a lot of stuff going on. It's actually quite a busy scene, but when I take my camera and frame that picture, all that noise just disappears. And then just this image that is still and silent kind of enters me.

[00:14:33] So, that's why I love photography for me. I think as an extrovert and as someone who is very easily overly stimulated by stimuli and things that's going on around me, I need help and assistance in just being able to focus and frame, see what is the essential, and then enter into that silence, into that focus.

[00:14:56] So, this is The Great Ocean Road. Okay, this image comes with a little story about healing, about losing, about becoming more free and about becoming less, feeling less guilty. That's why I felt a lot of guilt.

[00:15:14] So, this is actually taken in Lourdes, right? In Lourdes, France. So, Edwina, the friend who had asked me along to France at that time, was right after I left my job. So, fresh out of job, still very tired, burnt out, went on this trip that had a kind of like a retreat in Chartres. And because she had never been to Lourdes before, she invited, she requested, can we also go to Lourdes after?

[00:15:36] Now, I've been to Lourdes twice before on pilgrimage, so, I'm not new to that place. But I was like, sure. We can go to Lourdes. And in Lourdes of course, every night, there is the Rosary Procession, right, where they process with candles, and they are praying. You know, the pilgrims pray the rosary as they walk around the square in front of the Basilica.

[00:15:59] Now, this was back in 2014, and I'm going to tell you, I'm going to share a bit of what it felt like for me inside, the internal, interior world that was me, okay? The interior world within me. Now Edwina was - I also knew her in a church kind of context. You know, she gave retreats. She was a spiritual director.

[00:16:18] So, in my mind, she's also like a very kind of spiritual person, right? and I at that time, we weren't that close yet. I mean, we didn't know each other personally very, very well yet, but there was mutual respect and I looked up to her also as somebody who is more senior in ministry and all that.

[00:16:35] So, I was in the presence of this person. And remember, I have one of my scripts and one of my things is I need people to think well of me, right? And especially if I respect them, even more I need them to think well of me. And so, here I was thinking, okay, you know, I'm in Lourdes with Edwina. It's time to be - you know, part of me is kind of like, oh, it's time to - you know, be a good Catholic, right? It's a script, okay? It's a script. It really wasn't warranted. But what happened was, my good Catholic script told me, well, there's a rosary procession. Of course, we should join the rosary procession. You should be praying the rosary procession.

[00:17:09] But during that time, I had already started inner child healing. For some time, I was learning to attune to what does my soul actually yearn for? What does it want? What would give it joy and delight? Because I was discovering that God was connecting to me, wanted to connect to me through joy and delight.

[00:17:29] I was just so - I was burnt out, right? I was just so tired from serving, from doing the right thing, from pushing myself. And, so, I was slowly learning to ask, what is it that my heart wants? What is it that my inner child wants? And because I had my camera with me, my heart and my inner child, I just said, oh, no, no, no. I don't want to, I don't want to be in the rosary procession.

[00:17:52] I want to take pictures of the rosary procession. Just think of how beautiful it would be - all that light and the people and that's what I want to do. I want to go around taking pictures of the rosary procession instead of being in the rosary procession. So, it took me a lot of courage actually to tell my friend Edwina that I wasn't going to join her for the procession, but that I was going to take pictures of it.

[00:18:17] But I did. And I'm so glad I did because the experience was very prayerful. I felt the presence of God. I felt I was with Mary. I felt like I was a child that was free to roam and play and use the gifts that God had given me, that I didn't have to do what everybody else was doing to be included.

[00:18:38] That was a very new experience for me then. It's very precious. And that's also why all the pictures that I took of that procession is very special to me. It was something that was new and foreign to me back then, to be different, okay? To be different. And not to have to do always what I thought was the good Catholic thing, which is one of the chains that bound me, okay? The scripts, okay. Okay, so, those are the pictures. And let me just show you.

[00:19:06] COFFEE
So, other than photography, during my season of healing, I was led to coffee and it's very strange because for the first 30 odd years of my life, I never, I didn't drink coffee.

[00:19:18] I'm not a coffee drinker and one of the reasons is it was frowned upon. Okay, it might sound very weird, but my mom, she's very conscious of health and she believed that coffee was bad for our health. I mean, that's what doctors told her and all that kind of thing. So, I was told, since I was young, it's not a good drink and to me, drinking coffee was it would be a rebellion.

[00:19:45] I know it might sound very strange to all you people for whom coffee is a norm. But, okay. So, this picture, okay. I'm going to come up with this picture very soon, but this picture is significant because I did that, I made that cup of coffee. I brewed that cup of coffee, and that latte, I did that latte art.

[00:20:02] It's not like super impressive, but that was one of my better ones. I don't practice it that often now. But when I was in my time of sabbatical, one of the things I eventually did, was to buy an espresso machine at home and practice and make coffee. It was stretching something, doing something that I wasn't allowed to do before.

[00:20:20] My spiritual director laughed when he heard that, that for me, that was rebellion. He said I needed to learn how to rebel better. But it was just daring to do what I thought in the past, I'm not allowed to, and then to enjoy it. And then to experience that it's exquisite and that it's beautiful, you know?

[00:20:39] THE SHAME IN MY DELIGHT
Another thing that my experience with coffee taught me is that the reason why I also didn't really like the taste of coffee. So, even when I did get older and I knew it was actually okay for me to try, I did try coffee and I didn't enjoy coffee until I discovered pure Arabica coffee. I didn't know the difference between coffee beans, I didn't know between Robusta and Arabica coffee beans. Arabica being usually the more expensive one. And I realized I could actually take coffee if they were pure Arabica. And then it's both funny and also for me, something that I needed to let go of which is another thing that I have always felt I couldn't accept about myself, that I was ashamed about myself, is that I love my creature comforts. And I love nice things, and I have expensive taste.

[00:21:32] And while I did grow up in a somewhat privileged, very middle-class kind of background, and we did have quite a lot of nice things, it was at the same time instilled in me that it's simplicity is better. And I agree, you know? I love simplicity and I would love to also be more frugal and not have to like all these nice things. And if you think about all the stories of the saints, like St. Francis of Assisi, you know, how even those that were wealthy and powerful gave up their honour and their wealth and their comfort to be able to live with in poverty or with great simplicity.

[00:22:10] I always thought, that's the way that I should be going. So, I never even really allowed myself to acknowledge how much I love what is nice, what is pretty, what is maybe, is comfortable and or luxurious. The thing about me, or about the script and what shame kind of like does, is that it keeps me from even being able to be present to the truth of the reality.

[00:22:41] I can't look at reality without judging it. I can't look at reality inside me or outside me without making some kind of value judgment about it. So, the moment I feel myself enjoying something, if it is something expensive, or if it's something that I think is a bit more luxurious, it comes immediately with guilt. It comes with some degree of shame. It comes with, I cannot enjoy it. I can't truly delight in it, you know?

[00:23:12] So, if everything, pleasure, and what is beautiful, especially if it's pleasurable, especially if it's more extravagant, if it is more expensive, I can't receive it. And at some point then, it's almost like all kinds of pleasure is hard for me to receive because the pleasure and beauty feels like an extravagance, all right. So, my body and my soul were quite starved of beauty and pleasure. I did, of course, crave them. But I did in unhealthy ways.

[00:23:48] So, this is where those of you who have, if you have compulsions or if you have addictions, if you know that for example, you binge on comfort food or you binge on videos I mean there are some substances or some things that are more socially acceptable for people to be addicted to or to binge on. So, like maybe food is one of them. I think a lot of people think it's okay to enjoy good food, even though there's gluttony, right?

[00:24:15] But it's like we take the sin of gluttony somehow less seriously. It's not attached with as much social shame as for example, lust, right? Pride also, I think it's another sin that we know in a sense intellectually is bad, but it's also attached with less social shame, right?

[00:24:37] So, for me, what I didn't know was that part of the healing I needed to go through was to learn to enjoy and delight and receive pleasure without guilt and without shame. And part of it, a big part of it was just learning to overcome, or not overcome - learning to just not judge myself for what gives me joy, for what gives me pleasure.

[00:25:09] Because I have so many criteria for judgment. I'm a very judgmental, I was a very judgmental person. And I knew that, but at the same time, I think I often denied that. To me, it was a very righteous thing. It's kind of like one of the scripts that I definitely inherited, okay.

[00:25:24] It was very much part of my growing up, where everything is right or wrong, black or white. And you have the moral high ground when you demand the right standards. So, that was kind of the script I was in. And so, I couldn't enjoy. And it was in that context. Okay, about a year. More, slightly more than a year after I entered a sabbatical season.

[00:25:47] MIKO STORY
So, that's the other thing. When I entered a sabbatical season, I gave myself initially a timeline. I thought it shouldn't be longer than a year, and after that, I better do something productive. And so, I was actually looking ahead and maybe I should go for studies and get and get proper certification in maybe spiritual direction or theology or spirituality or all of these things.

[00:26:08] That's a very Singaporean kind of mindset. So, that's a very Singaporean kind of mindset that I had. That even when I'm going into sabbatical, I should be planning what I would do after that, that it should make me more productive. So, I couldn't really rest, because my nervous system was still preparing for what's next.

[00:26:29] It's looking ahead. A year in advance, trying to figure out what I should study, trying to figure out what school - so, I was researching schools, for example. But because I'm also developing, I've been developing a sensitivity to the movements of the spirit inside me, right, in a very Ignatian Spirituality sense, I noticed that whenever I went into that mode, whenever I went online to start researching schools or looking at programs, I was not at peace. I was not at rest. 

[00:26:58] And when I brought that into prayer, it was very clear. The Lord was telling me, Ann, that's not what I'm asking you to do now. You have to give me unconditional rest, or else it's not rest. You don't think about what lies ahead. Just think about how counter cultural that is. Or how useless we end up feeling. So many of us feel, when we're not doing something constructive, when we're not working or contributing. But that was the invitation. And I struggled. I struggled.

[00:27:26] Yes. I learned, I discovered some delight. I discovered for some of photography and coffee, but it was really hard for me to learn to enjoy things without guilt. And that is why I really believe that is why into my life, God sent Miko. 

[00:27:45] Just, just look at, look at that face. She's getting a tummy rub, right. Just look at that. Look of pure contentment and enjoyment on that face of hers. Now, Miko, she came very unexpectedly into my life because I met her actually in a home where I was actually giving a session. So, I didn't know the owners at the time. Now, we're friends. Now, we're old friends. Now, I suppose we're good friends. Because I ended up adopting the dog. We ended up adopting Miko, right?

[00:28:21] Miko is a handicapped dog. So, when we met her, she's this three-legged little ball of fur. Three legged, but really fast and really, really feisty, but also, also really insecure. So, we learned about her story.

[00:28:36] She was an unwanted dog because of her handicap. She would have been put down, but she was rescued, right. And her first few years, the first few years of her life was very unstable. And she went across through, I guess, a few homes very temporarily. So, this little pup had huge abandonment issues, right. And when we met her and she was already about six (years old).

[00:28:59] And she still couldn't control her bladder. When you come home, she's so excited and relieved, I think, to see that you're back, that she can't control her bladder and she will pee. Right, it's like, there's a joke, like, you can't touch her when you come back. She's going to pee, she gets so excited that she pees.

[00:29:16] That's how - can you, can you imagine what it's like to be her? I'm tearing now because I know what it feels like because that's how I feel like. I mean, I don't lose bladder control, but that's how relieved I feel when someone I love is in a sense showing me that he or she hasn't left me. So, I get how Miko feels.

[00:29:46] So, we got to know her better because the family that she was staying with, that had adopted her, that she was with. Their little kid had a lot of allergy issues. So, that was the first child at the time. They just had one child and he had a lot of issues and really, they needed to test all kind of allergies. And although it was unlikely that he was allergic to the dog because the dog was there before he came along, they weren't able to find what he was allergic to. So, the doctor recommended that they remove the dog for at least six weeks.

[00:30:15] And so, they needed someone to look after Miko for six weeks, and that's how she came to stay with us initially, for six weeks.

[00:30:24] I'm going to cry again because now in hindsight, I realize, I mean, afterwards we realized just how terrified she was. All the photographs that we had of her in her first date with us, she wasn't smiling.

[00:30:40] Because I think, maybe she thought, here we go again, I have to change homes again. You know, like, maybe she's abandoned again. Oh my gosh, this one is, this is really emotional. This is a very emotional episode.

[00:31:03] My husband and I had no experience with dogs. Okay, so, we were kind of scared, I was kind of scared and quite incredulous and amazed at the trust that was given to me, really. That would trust us to take care of this dog that thought that she was abandoned again. So, that's how we came along. I mean that's how we met, okay, how Miko and I met, how we met.

[00:31:25] And the first six weeks, she ended up enjoying it, although like I said, for the vast first few weeks, she never smiled. But over time she realized life is good with me because I like nice things, right? And so, I give her nice things I was going through a season of healing where God was asking me to experiment with what delights me to and to have pleasure without guilt. And so, I also doted on her. And I was generous with her and because I was on sabbatical, a lot of times, I was home. There was someone at home with her.

[00:31:55] She had a companionship and I did a lot of my appointments at home and I was still kind of like ministering unofficially, you could say - having sessions with people. And they would come and they all loved Miko as well. So, that stay that she had with us for the six weeks went so well and she had so much fun that her owner said she actually doesn't have much company at home because now both parents are working and they have a kid and all that. And she actually has more attention when she's staying with me.

[00:32:27] So, for the next two years she became like, we kind of like say, like a time-shared dog. She would stay with me for about a month or two months and then she'll go back home for a couple of months and then she'll come back to us for a couple of months. She also appeared in our lives.

[00:32:44] I keep saying it's like me as an actress from my perspective, right? But she appeared in our lives when my husband was also at a very low - it was also, I think, one of the lowest points of his life and his career. People didn't know externally. People didn't know how much he was suffering. But it was a very, very dark, emotionally dark time for him.

[00:33:06] And I was going through healing. And this little dog appeared in our life and she also became a source of healing for us, even as she, I think, experienced healing. So, it was like we experienced healing together. God brought us together to heal one another. 

[00:33:24] So, when I look at Miko, I see how free she is, how much she just gives herself entirely over to us in love. How much she gives herself over entirely to pleasure, like that picture that I showed you earlier when she was getting that tummy rub. 

[00:33:45] And so often when she's just sitting on my lap, and sometimes we would, during my time of sabbatical in the mornings, I would bring her down we have a swimming pool downstairs and we would, I would sit by the pool and, and read and she would be on my lap and she would just sit there and enjoy watching other people.

[00:34:02] And every now and then she'll just turn around and look at me. With its smile with such happiness and such contentment and such presence. She was always so present to me and I realized God was actually teaching me through this dog, through Miko about presence, about attunement. She was so attuned to me.

[00:34:25] I never had that experience before, of attunement. I never had the experience before of being in a relationship that was so safe. It was - Miko was so safe. I think any of you, all of you dog owners out there would know We never had a pet before. I was never a dog person before. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't expect this kind of unconditional love and this kind of presence. And she taught me how to rest because a dog sleeps like 14 hours, at least 14 hours a day, right?

[00:35:05] Sometimes watching her rest, my nervous system also can relax and can rest. I'm looking at her at the corner of my eye. I actually have another camera that's filming in landscape mode and I can see her there. She's sleeping off to the side. And when the invitation came, her family asked whether we would adopt her permanently, take her over permanently. So, no longer just a timeshare dog.

[00:35:37] Because by that point, things also had changed in their family. Circumstances really were not as ideal for Miko. And they saw how much we loved her and they saw how much she loved being with us. So, they asked if we would take her over permanently. And to be honest, I hesitated at first because during that time of sabbatical, and me really needing to experience receiving, looking after and any other, even a little dog, takes presence away from me.

[00:36:07] So, at that time, I didn't know how to attune to someone else or something else, even a dog, while also attuning to myself, okay. That's how unpractised I was. That for me, if I was caring for someone else, then I could only care for someone else. I had to sacrifice myself to do that. If I were to care for myself, then I really cannot have any competitor.

[00:36:31] In a sense, I didn't know how to take care of both of us at the same time. Now granted, I was already married. So, that's one of the struggles that I have, which is also why even in my marriage, earlier on, there was a lot of self-abandonment. Because if I were to love my husband, I had to abandon myself. I didn't know how to love myself and another person, or in this case, even another dog, at the same time.

[00:36:57] So, I think, I really believe that God sent Miko into my life to teach me, to send me this very safe, very adorable, unconditional creature who loves me so simply, so unconditionally to let me practice attuning to myself as well as attuning to the other, and learning to sometimes prioritize myself, even though I know she wishes that I would never leave the house and she used to whine and even howl when she was left alone.

[00:37:28] It was heartbreaking, right? Cause she has anxiety issues. She has abandonment issues. So, learning to negotiate between her and me, my needs and her needs, was part of that healing that I went through in a season of deep healing and deepening in my life. And she has healed a lot. Miko has healed a lot.

[00:37:52] Now, it's been quite a few years. She's so much more secure now. And she continues to be my teacher of what it means to shamelessly, like without shame, express what you want with full confidence that you are loved. The way she asks for something just with her eyes, whether it's for food or to be carried or she wants to be on my lap, and how insistent she is.

[00:38:19] To me, she illustrates the gospel, you know? When they say, ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you. When I look at Miko, I understand what expectant faith is. I mean, she may not always get what she wants, and sometimes she is disappointed, and sometimes she shows me that she is not happy with me when she doesn't get what she wants.

[00:38:44] But it never makes her doubt my love for her because the next time an opportunity comes, she's right back at it, asking with full confidence, asking with unabashedly, without shame for what she wants. She is so herself. And that is healing to me, to witness on a day-to-day basis because that's what I can't do.

[00:39:05] And what I think so many of us can't do, to be that shameless, in the good way, to be so free and expectant when we ask God for what our heart desires. Or when we ask someone else that we're in relationship with. Granted, we may not feel as secure and safe in that relationship, right, so, it's harder. But that shows me what a relationship with God can be.

[00:39:29] My dog showed me how to be with God. She showed me what contemplative prayer is. Her attunement to my presence is so uncanny. She could be asleep by the side and I could be doing my work, but when I get up, when I move, she's awake immediately and she's watching me and she wants to follow me. But now that she has healed a lot of her own abandonment and anxiety issues, she also shows me what it is to be secure and to rest. And to know when I'm out the house, she doesn't howl anymore. She doesn't whine anymore. She can rest.

[00:40:07] Maybe it helps that she's a little old. She's quite a bit older now too. She's like 13 years old now. She's a senior dog and she can't see either. So, not only she lame, she can't see as well, but she can still be at rest because she knows she's loved. So, really, Miko taught me a lot about attunement and attachment.

[00:40:31] I think, she and I, we rediscovered what secure attachment is together. Gosh, I'm going to cry again. We discovered together what it means to trust, and to trust that we are loved. My heart is very happy when I see how much more confident she is now. It has taken a lot of time and a lot of attunement. But because I've been working from home the last few years, she's had a lot of time.

[00:41:02] And one of the reasons I agreed to take her on when the invitation came to adopt her full time was initially, I had my doubts. I asked the Lord, I said, this would really kind of like, keep me from being free. Free in the sense of movement, to be able to just go wherever I'm needed. So, to even sometimes go overseas at request to do the retreat and all that kind of a thing.

[00:41:28] And the question that came back when I was praying about this was, I felt the Lord asked me, what if I told you that Miko is part of your personal vocation? And for me, oh that's very clear, if God is telling me that Miko is part of my personal vocation, then I will take her and I will accept that my life will now change around this dog, will change because now I've taken on this dog, in obedience really, to the Lord's invitation.

[00:41:59] And I think especially because I am not a parent, I don't have like children, I'm a dog parent now, I'm a fur parent, right? But I don't have children. And I know this really cannot compare to having kids, but it gives me a sense, an experiential sense of what it can feel like to sacrifice because of love, but also to learn not to abandon myself because of love, loving another.

[00:42:32] There are nights, many nights that I don't sleep well because sometimes she's not comfortable, she's not well, and she wakes me up. And that, again, I know really doesn't compare to those of you who have young children and who haven't had a good night's sleep in like years and years. But maybe God knows my tolerance level.

[00:42:53] I don't know. But I feel that all that is a way of Him healing me. And also letting me not get too comfortable as I learn to absorb and receive pleasure and joy without shame. He gives me experiences of sacrifice so that it doesn't become just all self-indulgent. So, Miko has been an incredible instrument of my healing.

[00:43:22] Okay, so that's the role that Miko has played, and the role that coffee has played. Like I said, coffee was for me to become free from old scripts and to embrace that I am, the fact that I can only drink pure Arabica coffee, and really good quality gourmet coffee, in a sense which I can make at home now, is just a learning to accept myself without judgment, without judging myself as being - I don't know.

[00:43:50] Well, I won't repeat all that. So, to the friend who asked me that question, how has Miko and coffee, or how has Miko and coffee helped my inner interior journey - I hope this Live answered you. I know you thought that it would be a light-hearted one but turned out to be a very emotional one for me.

[00:44:08] And to those of you who are seeking ways to heal yourself. I just want to say that I think for everyone it's different, but the Lord will give you what you need. You do need space to just explore and discover and even stumble on what it is that gives you delight. What helps me may not help you. I know that what helps a lot of other people don't help me.

[00:44:37] For the longest time I thought I had, there's something wrong with me that I didn't know how to play. Because what other people normally think is playing, to me, is not enjoyable. And what I needed, what my soul needed, especially in the time of healing, of play that also happens in solitude and in silence and so much presence, that deepening of my soul.

[00:44:59] It came to me through contemplative photography, through learning to brew and enjoy gourmet coffee, and taking care and falling in love and being in relationship with my toy poodle, Miko. So, I hope that you will also discover what can give you restoration, what might bring you healing. And if you have any questions, if any of you have any questions about what I shared today or anything you wish to share, please feel free to send me a message.

[00:45:35] I really welcome your messages and your comments and thoughts as well as your questions. So, take care and I'll see you again tomorrow. Bye!

[00:45:49] CONCLUSION
Thank you for listening to Becoming Me. The most important thing about making this journey is to keep taking steps in the right direction. No matter how small those steps might be, no matter where you might be in your life right now, it is always possible to begin. The world would be a poorer place without you becoming more fully alive.

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