The Essential Role of Self-Care In The Interior Journey

EPISODE 118 | THE ESSENTIAL ROLE OF SELF-CARE IN THE INTERIOR JOURNEY 

When we find that we are leaning towards excessive indulgence we are leaning or we need a lot of self-soothing, I think first and foremost, what is not helpful, practically speaking, on the interior journey, is when we constantly evaluate and judge our own actions. Then we're not safe space for ourselves. And then we can't be honest with ourselves.

[00:00:21] INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Becoming Me, your podcast companion and coach in your journey to a more integrated and authentic self. I am your host, Ann Yeong, and I'm here to help you grow in self-discovery and wholeness. If you long to live a more authentic and integrated life and would like to hear honest insights about the rewards and challenges of this journey, then take a deep breath, relax, and listen on to Becoming Me.

[00:00:50] EXPLORING THE COMPLEXITIES OF SELF-CARE IN OUR FAITH
Hello and good morning. Okay, so, in today's Live, I'm going to be talking about a really interesting topic. I think, I'm not just saying it's interesting because I think it's interesting. I'm saying it's interesting because this is something that I know is an issue for many people, for whom an important part of their identity is being Christian, being Catholic, being a disciple of Christ.

[00:01:24] So, they are very - I'll say we - we are very sincere in wanting to follow Christ. You know, we are relatively well-formed, maybe spiritually, in terms of intellectually formed, about our faith. And then when we hear, you know, all this talk about self-care or self-love. Sometimes, these two are used interchangeably, like self-care and self-love, sometimes, they're used interchangeably.

[00:01:50] THE MISCONCEPTIONS OF SELF-CARE
Sometimes, there's a distinction made between them and I would say it's not always a good thing that the distinction is made between them. It can be helpful and unhelpful. I'll get to that in a minute. But I just want to. talk about this because in many Catholic conversations, I see terms like, you know, excessive individualism, like you know, like all these overemphasises on, on the individual, basically.

So, talk about self-care is often linked with just a secular perspective of self-care, which, you know, by secular they would usually mean non-spiritual, non-religious, and it's almost like it's implied not for, you know, not for the spiritually mature, kind of thing.

[00:02:41] So, yes, I'm talking about self-care and whether we perceive self-care as something to be only for like the morally and maybe spiritually weak. Okay, so, we may not think about this explicitly, right? We may not say it, but I think many serious Christians or serious Catholics who take the faith seriously, who always think about, you know, carrying the cross and the importance of self-sacrifice and all that. 

[00:03:07] We instinctively think of taking care of ourselves as I can't help it. I have to because I'm limited. It is a concession to my weakness, right? And maybe there's an implicit assumption or a thought that when I am morally superior, like maybe morally more mature or spiritually more mature, that I don't need as much care of self. Just pause a minute if you're watching this and you know, whether it's on replay or Live, pause a minute and just think about whether or not that's true.

[00:03:45] Whether or not when you decide to maybe take a nap, or, you know, take a break from work, sleep in a little bit more, you know - whatever it is, or indulge in a bit of food, whether you always think of it as this is a concession to weakness. Now, it's understandable why we have this presupposition, right? This is one of the issues I think when we have a more dualistic or binary understanding of good, it's like everything is either good or evil.

[00:04:18] It's one or zero. There is no gradation, there is no concept or appreciation of appropriateness for different seasons, you know? So, for example, it's appropriate when you're not well, or when you're younger, for example, to maybe nap a lot during the day.

[00:04:37] Maybe not so appropriate if you are at work, right? I mean, you're in the office. But, having the ability to look at different contexts and different situations helps us to get out of just that binary black and white kind of understanding of, is this something that's Good or bad is, for example, self-care is something only for the morally and spiritually weak.

[00:05:04] They have no choice, but they need to get enough self-care, and therefore maybe saints or those who are really mature don't need that. So, I’m thinking about self-care because apparently 24th July was international self-care day. And I was musing about that because it's true. It's true that in the secular world, self-care is itself, is a booming industry also, right? All this wellness and care, and self-care. 

[00:05:28] So, it's easy for those who are spiritually minded or who take our faith, seriously, it's easy for us to want to dismiss anything related to self-care as just not spiritual. And I want to put a pause on that, that kind of thinking. I want to call it out, right? Because we, at least on this channel, on this account, on this podcast, we're always interested in integration and embodiment. We're always careful about, you know, leaning just on one side too hard and an exclusion of everything else.

[00:06:04] SELF-CARE: INDULGENCE VS. DISCIPLINE
So, one way that I have sometimes heard, in an attempt to distinguish between secular self-care or like maybe kind of like indulgent self-care, let's call it indulgent self-care, okay. And what people make this distinction will want to say is self-love - so, people sometimes when you hear this distinction, self-care versus self-love.

[00:06:25] It's with that, with that attitude, that self-love is the superior one, like better and self-care is kind of like the more frivolous one, okay. So, for example of self-care in this kind of framework might be, you know, bubble baths and massages and chocolates and, you know, junk food, comfort eating, maybe taking naps, you know? Just kind of like you get a sense of it's like indulging the senses for relief and release, right? Self-care.

[00:06:56] Sometimes, we just think about all that, you know? And self-love is linked to something that requires a bit more discipline. So, for example, eating more healthily, having a healthy diet lifestyle, regular exercise, maybe spiritual practices, meditation, exercising virtue, for example.

[00:07:14] Now, in the broader definition of self-care, all these also come under self-care, but sometimes, I think people try to say, you know, there's healthy self-care and it's the one that I just mentioned; that's kind of like, you know, that requires some discipline and longer term care for the self and then there's unhealthy self-care or the more frivolous, indulgent, secular kind of self-care which is just indulging the senses and pleasure and it's a bit more like emphasis on license and freedom - freedom in the sense of license, right?

[00:07:42] And we tend to think of that as not helpful spiritually or not helpful for us as spiritual beings on the road towards wholeness and authenticity. So, I just want to say that from the perspective of interior integration and of wanting to grow in wholeness and authenticity, making such a sharp distinction between what we think is acceptable or not so acceptable self-care or indulgent versus healthy self-care or thinking that all forms of indulgence is therefore unspiritual and unhealthy, that is unhelpful.

[00:08:22] Okay, so, I'll repeat that. Trying to distinguish between what we think is just superficial, indulgent frivolous kind of self-care, right, like bubble bath and treats and massages, for example, versus healthier self-love that requires exercise, discipline healthy lifestyle, all that. Making too sharp a distinction is unhelpful.

[00:08:50] I'm not saying that it's not good to make such a distinction. But distinctions - I'm all about distinctions. Okay, I'm trained in philosophy, and it's not just as an intellectual exercise. I actually believe that having clear understanding of what our assumptions are can really help us in interior journey.

[00:09:06] But there is a difference between just sorting things out conceptually and what helps us to make the journey. And when we talk about the interior journey, we're always emphasizing what helps us to actually grow towards authenticity, wholeness, greater capacity to love God, love self, love neighbour, okay?

[00:09:27] So, anything that is unhelpful for us to make this journey, from the perspective of interior creation, we need to park it. Okay, the same thing can be helpful when we are at a certain stage or season in the journey and not helpful at another stage. So, we need to know that distinction. Why do I say that making such distinctions or thinking of self-care or maybe the more frivolous or secular kind of self-care as unspiritual and for the morally and spiritually weaker.

[00:09:56] Why is that unhelpful? Because one, it increases our shame, our sense of shame for needing anything to do with care for self. Okay, we are dealing - we are human beings who are not, we're not robots. We are not operating in a laboratory with controlled variables, okay? You and I, we're flesh and blood. Flesh and bone.

[00:10:23] We are wounded people on the journey towards greater wholeness, right? On the journey to knowing we are loved, not just in our mind, but in our bodies. Given our lived experiences and our life experiences and for many of us, the complex trauma that we would already have experienced in our life up to this point, we already have a lot of shame and guilt about not being good enough.

[00:10:52] We have a lot of issues about you know, that we're not worthy of God's love. These are obstacles to the journey of becoming more integrated. These are obstacles to becoming more capable of actually being mature disciples that can love God and love neighbours selflessly, like genuinely, freely, selflessly.

[00:11:16] Okay, there's no argument that that's the goal or that's the hope that we move towards, that kind of maturity, embodied spiritual and emotional maturity, right, that enables us to really witness Christ in our life. There's no debate about that. The issue is, given where we are, increasing our sense of shame and guilt is not only not going to help us get to that goal any faster, it's going to keep us stuck.

[00:11:49] Think about it, when we are so filled with shame and guilt for needing care, then there is the added chance that there's a swing of the pendulum, right? I mean, I think it's physics - there's a law of physics; for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction, right? For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. When we suppress our needs, our legitimate needs for too long, eventually it's going to bounce back.

[00:12:21] I've heard an expression, I've heard this described, okay, by Dr. Gabor Mate. He uses this imagery, which I think is very helpful. He says, imagine you're in a swimming pool. So, you know water is very buoyant, right? In a swimming pool. And you have a big ball, like a big red ball, and it kind of floats on the water, right? Because it's less dense. And if you're going to try and push and force that ball to be submerged under the water, right? If you're going to try and push the ball that's actually floating on the water, submerged on the water, as long as you're holding on to it, or you put your whole body weight on it, the ball can remain submerged.

[00:12:53] But the moment you let go, what's going to happen to that ball? It's going to bounce right back up, right? Because for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. So, when we keep suppressing what are legitimate, natural needs, because we are creatures, we are finite. It's not a concession to weakness.

[00:13:17] It is just taking good care of ourselves, and of one another. If we don't know what, as creatures, what we need to thrive, how can we see one another as people worthy of love?

[00:13:33] THE IMPORTANCE OF UNDERSTADING PERSONAL NEEDS
So, I'm going to take a moment here and also make another kind of distinction that hopefully will be helpful. We have all this concern.

[00:13:41] Okay, those of us who want to be disciples, who are disciples, we have this concern about excessive individualism, right? I see this term a lot also in in some in forums in Christian or Catholic forums, right? And it is an issue. But like I said earlier, excessive individualism can be depicted as that ball I mentioned earlier, that has been submerged for too long under the water.

[00:14:05] You force it, you force it down. And when you let go and that ball kind of like, you know, shoots up into the air. Excessive individualism is kind of like, it's the reaction, right? It's the reaction to something that had happened first. So, if excessive individualism is not what we want, if it's something that we see as problematic, instead of just saying that it's problematic or judging that it's problematic, we need to get curious, compassionate, and courageous about why is there excessive individualism.

[00:14:37] Okay, so, that's a question, first and foremost, for ourselves. When we find that we are leaning towards excessive indulgence we are leaning or we need, you know, we need a lot of self-soothing. I'm not judging that. Because I think first and foremost, what is not helpful, practically speaking, on the interior journey, is when we constantly evaluate and judge our own actions.

[00:15:03] Then we're not safe space for ourselves. And then we can't be honest with ourselves, okay? Christ always holds us with so much compassion that there is room for us to be safe in that compassion to begin to look and wonder at the reality that we are in. Why is it that I am acting this way? Right? So, clearly - and what I'm talking about, I'm not denying the fact or truth of sin or good or evil. But I'm saying when we want to move towards the fullness of good, we need to be able to suspend judgment sometimes and to recognize that on a journey, on a journey, there's space that's needed.

[00:15:52] There's time that's needed. Things don't just happen in an instant. And especially when we are dealing with creatures like ourselves, we ourselves are creatures who have been wounded, we need a lot of compassion and a lot of understanding to meet ourselves where we are at and then to be able to recognize that even the tendency towards what we may think, ah, is a little overindulgent, maybe too superficial, you know, I can't just have bubble baths and massages the whole time, right?

[00:16:22] I mean, no one can or should. But what is that saying to me about some legitimate need perhaps, that I have been depriving myself of? So, here's the thing. Usually, when we need a lot of just self-soothing, like comfort eating or you know like I mentioned, all these kind of like treats and we're sleeping a lot.

[00:16:48] From the psychological or neuroscience perspective, those are usually signs that our nervous system is very stressed, that we are probably in a freeze mode. Okay, we are numbing ourselves or we are fleeing - fight, flight, freeze. There's something that's making us unsafe and we are reacting to it.

[00:17:10] And if we don't go to the root of the matter, to care for ourselves, to really, in this case now, really love ourselves in a deeper way and not just through discipline in terms of like, oh, I need to exercise more. I need to pray more. No, I mean, all that has its place, but that's besides the point. That's the point that, you know, most of us who are already aware that exercise is good, that, you know, prayer is good.

[00:17:35] What we cannot see is that holistic care and spirituality is much more than that.

[00:17:42] PERSONALISM VS. INDIVIDUALISM: A DEEPER DIVE
So, here's where I think we need to understand the difference between just like individualism, the way we think about it, like overly individualistic, and personalism. Okay, personalism. Okay, this is going a little bit, a little bit philosophical.

[00:17:59] But personalism is a stance, it's a philosophical stance. Okay, that can be very broad, let's not get too academic about it. But a very well-known Christian, Catholic person you know, that who has a stance of personalism will be Saint Pope John Paul II. Personalism takes a stance that the human person has to be at the centre of our, well, has to be at the centre of, I guess you could say, even the theology.

[00:18:26] Okay, I mean, not the human person absolutely in the centre because it is because God loves the human person, right? So, everything else in the created world in that sense, cannot violate - whatever, however we operate in the world should not violate the dignity and the nobility of a human person.

[00:18:45] Now, personalism is also about the uniqueness and the individuality of each person. It states, or it's saying that, you and I, we're not just a number, we're not just a digit, we're not just part of a congregation or a flock, right? Like the Good Shepherd, Christ the Good Shepherd knows every single one of his sheep by name.

[00:19:07] He doesn't see us as just one group. You know, every one of us is precious and He has counted, He knows every hair on our head. God knows every hair on our head. That's how specific, how unique, how individually he loves each of us, right? Personalism is saying, this is how we should be acting too, in our interactions with one another, whether it's at work, in our economy, in culture, in our churches. Which is why John Paul II said that the only appropriate response to another person, to a human person, is love.

[00:19:41] A subject to be loved an end in him or herself, never meant to be used as an object for some other end. Personalism says that, well, we're precious. You and I are precious. So, what has personalism got to do with individualism? Could it be - I'm just putting this out as a question, okay, for us to consider because it's important for us to get curious and to ponder about our struggles, right, our struggles with sin, our struggles with, let's say, feeling the need to protect ourselves and compete - could that be whatever signs of excessive individualism we might have, could that be a reaction to our person already being violated? Our personhood not being given the reverence and the honour and the love that God meant for us to have?

[00:20:47] Could another person, maybe you're a spouse, maybe you're a child, maybe you're a friend, maybe someone, you know, that you're leading, mentoring, pastoring, whatever. Could their excessive individualism, or what you perceive as their excessive individualism, be a reaction to them being used, not seen, not heard, not attuned to, since their childhood.

[00:21:14] Could they have only known a life of emotional survival? Where, if you didn't fight, and compete, and take, you wouldn't get anything. Right? And if such a person is not given love, honour, reverence, how is he or she going to heal from that trauma? Because what has happened is the dignity of the human person has not been upheld in many ways that may be invisible to our eyes.

[00:21:59] And if that's the case, then the reaction of being in fight or flight or freeze, it's a natural response. It's a natural response, right? If we need to put a label on it, okay. So, now I'm putting on the other hat and say, oh, precisely, you know, so, these people, when we are in that state, we're still morally and spiritually weak.

[00:22:27] Okay, but I'm going to ask again, from the perspective of interior integration, is it at all helpful for you to accompany yourself or for you to accompany someone else who is struggling, to tell them or to label them or label yourself as being morally or spiritually weak? I think it's really useless and unhelpful, okay?

[00:22:52] Especially because it denies another very important truth, which is everything that is given and created is good and given to bless and uphold us and help us to strengthen us. Nothing in and of themselves, is good or evil. It's their use. Right, the way that they are used, the way that, whether they are used to uphold human dignity, uphold and increase human dignity, our sense of how loved we are, or is it used to diminish us? Is it used to just continue to numb us?

[00:23:30] So, you see, it's not so much the activity or the thing itself. Right? Even like bubble baths or massages, it's not so much the activity or the thing itself. You can't say whether this is good or bad, is it helpful or not helpful for us to grow in integration and maturity. It all depends.

[00:23:48] It depends on how we're using these things because things are meant to be used, right? If it increases our sense of dignity, if it reminds us that we are worthy of care because we have neglected our own care for too long. If it is a way to show another person that they are remembered, that they are loved for him or herself and not for what they can do, not for any value that they can bring and to give them a little extravagance and indulgence or to give ourselves a little extravagance and indulgence is a way to remind us and remind them that our value is more than our doing, right?

[00:24:27] And I think it can be a very spiritual thing, that self-care, even what we tend to think of as the secular, frivolous self-care, can be a very holy thing. And on the flip side, and it might make some of us cringe when we think about that, what we usually think of as activities that are very prayerful and spiritual, you know, maybe saying the rosary, going to adoration room in a holy hour.

[00:24:55] Those acts, as good as they may be, if we are using those acts to run away from the actual work that we need to do because we think, well, I've prayed. I pray every day. I've done my devotion every day. I'm okay with God. You know, and we don't actually let God in to show us what is it that actually needs transformation than that prayer, that discipline, that spiritual discipline in and of itself. It may not be that helpful and maybe less holy than we think it is, right?

[00:25:32] I think we need to take a step back to see how everything, everything can be seen in different light when we understand the ultimate, the deepest goal, the most important goal is union with God and union with Christ. And that depending on the season we're in, the stage that we are in, the work, because it's a journey, it's a long journey with many stages, with many seasons. And at different seasons and different stages, the nature of the work can be very different.

[00:26:06] What is appropriate for the season that we are in, to bring us that one step closer into authenticity, one step deeper into our relationship with Christ, to feel more securely loved by God? That is what would be helpful for us. And labelling anything, including, I think, something that's often missing, labelling something like caring for ourselves as selfish or as thinking of it as something that's for a concession for our own weakness.

[00:26:37] Well, it increases our shame or increases the shame in other people and actually may set us back.

[00:26:45] EMBRACING SELF-CARE WITHOUT SHAME
So, I invite you to really consider what relationship do you have with self-care and self-love. Do these words still make you cringe? Or do you still feel something when you kind of get a sense that other people are judging you because you're practicing self-care in a way and you think that, you know, maybe your family or your community or other people are thinking, yeah, that's like not Christ-like at all, that's not discipleship, yeah. 

[00:27:11] If that's how you feel, and that may be a reality that you're in, here's a suggestion and here's an imitation. The truth is this entire interior journey is one that can only be made with grace, right? We are not about being a stoic and using our brute will and strength to show how good we are, how virtuous we are, how moral we are.

[00:27:37] That's not Christian discipleship at all. Christian discipleship is predicated first and foremost on an acknowledgement of our weakness and on an acknowledgement of our utter and complete dependence on God's love for us first, and that every step towards Him can only occur with grace. So, it is a very beautiful thing to pray for, to be able to be exactly where we are, and not more ahead or advanced in the journey than we think we should be, than other people maybe think we ought to be, and to be able to be at peace, even in being judged by others. 

[00:28:20] Because you know, it’s a wonderful thing to say, I am where I am and God loves me exactly here where I am. And in His love, in his time, and in His grace, I hope to go beyond where I am, but I'm not in a rush or a hurry because I'm not trying to prove how good I am to him or to anyone else, even to myself, right? I am here to be loved and to learn to return that love, to grow in my capacity to hold myself in awe and wonder and reverence, even as the flawed and sinful broken creature that I am.

[00:28:58] And in doing so, I grow in my capacity to behold another person with wonder and reverence and awe, even in their brokenness and sinfulness. And I learn to encounter the frustration and all the difficult emotions that I may have, and anger, whatever struggles I may have, I learn to encounter all of that, and hold it loosely. And I can make room for it. I find that I have space for it.

[00:29:26] The interior journey, the way that we are talking about it, at least, is one that goes beyond the natural good. Yes. But that doesn't mean that the natural good is not beautiful. I think we cannot skip steps. And we cannot just want what is supernatural and not be grateful for what is natural, including our body and our nervous system.

[00:29:52] And we must remember that to be able to transcend all this, to transcend the natural good, the natural state, natural needs that we have really also really requires supernatural grace. So, let's not run ahead of that grace. And let's not, let's not burden ourselves so much and burden other people so much with all these labels that sort us out into weak and strong and spiritual or unspiritual, you know? 

[00:30:20] I mean, there's a place and time for that. But when we want to make this journey, if you find that it's holding you back, then give it up. Give it up for this season or this stage. And remember, I think it was Pope Francis maybe, who said it. I'm sure plenty of other people who have said it.

[00:30:35] When we're judging someone, we can't love them. You know, the muscles just don't work that way. So, maybe we need to withhold and refrain from constantly assessing, evaluating and judging ourselves and become a contemplative and just behold who we are, and how loved we are. And allow ourselves to love and care, receive love and care, including from ourselves, without shame.

[00:31:14] So, that's a thought I leave with you and I hope that it's given you something new to think about. I hope that it improves Your relationship with yourself and your relationship maybe with self-care and self-love; maybe have less of an ambivalent, guilt-ridden kind of relationship with that.

[00:31:33] And if you have any questions or comments about this, please drop me a DM. I'm happy to respond to that and address that maybe in a future Live because these are all important themes and topics of the interior journey that it's kind of like in the subconscious and we don't realize how much they trip us up until we bring them out, make them explicit and talk about it. So, blessings for the day. Until the next Live. See you. Bye!

[00:32:05] CONCLUSION
Thank you for listening to Becoming Me. The most important thing about making this journey is to keep taking steps in the right direction. No matter how small those steps might be, no matter where you might be in your life right now, it is always possible to begin. The world would be a poorer place without you becoming more fully alive.

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