Why Conviction Without Integration Doesn't Help Us

EPISODE 110 | WHY CONVICTION WITHOUT INTEGRATION DOESN'T HELP USE

The problem is that even when we have conviction, and even when we try to impart, values or faith with conviction, we do not  look after the conditions that have to be necessary in order for people to exercise those virtues or to practice it, what it is that they believe.

[00:00:00] INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Becoming Me, your podcast companion and coach in your journey to a more integrated and authentic self. I am your host, Ann Yong, and I'm here to help you grow in self-discovery and wholeness. If you long to live a more authentic and integrated life and would like to hear honest insights about the rewards and challenges of this journey, then take a deep breath, relax, and listen on to Becoming Me. 

[00:00:36] Good morning and welcome to another Live. So, this morning, this rainy morning in Singapore, I've been very pensive. Actually, since yesterday. It has been a couple of days of a lot of news that's rather depressing on a political scene here in Singapore. And also on a more personal front, or from other channels, I've also heard something rather depressing about another one of those cases where there's been gross misconduct in, you know, in an organization - actually church related.

[00:01:13] And somehow, although people knew about it, no one kind of like sounded the alarm. And I'm too far removed to do anything about it. Actually, in recent months, for some reason, stories like that have been coming to me from different places and different sources. So, I was really just reflecting this morning, trying to - I'm trying to sit with all the different emotions that have been coming up. And it carried me through a lot of places because I'm somebody with a lot of passionate convictions.

[00:01:44] THE IMPORTANCE OF CONVICTION AND INTEGRATION
So, I was saying I'm somebody with a lot of passionate convictions and I've always been since I was young, but I've also learned painfully, in my own journey, how far short I can fall despite having very passionate convictions, and that is why the title of today's sharing is that, you know, conviction without integration is useless.

[00:02:08] Just think about all the times you've heard someone argue passionately, full of conviction, about something that is true. They could be proclaiming even the truth, okay. So, there's nothing wrong with what they are saying, and they can believe wholeheartedly in what they are saying there is conviction. But then, when the moment of trial comes, let's say they're a leader, they can't act in a way that reflects the conviction that they have shown.

[00:02:40] And a lot of times when that happens, when we know something like that happening, of course, a word that may come up is, you know, hypocrisy. We can feel betrayed, let down, disillusioned. And that is true. But I want to take a moment, and I don't want to get caught up in, you know, just that dimension, that emotional dimension of the feeling of betrayal when, let's say somebody else that we look up to or somebody that we trusted or a leader lets us down and shows us that they may say one thing and they may be full of conviction and argue passionately, persuasively about the truth.

[00:03:17] But their actions do not reflect their convictions. So, let's turn the lens kind of like towards ourselves first. Because as always, this is about interior integration and it's always first and foremost, it's about ourselves, all right? Because everything I just said, we may be aware when somebody else lets us down, how we feel about them, how disgusted we may feel, how angry we may be, how disillusioned we may be, the truth is we often feel that way about ourselves when we notice that we can't live what we believe, right?

[00:03:56] So, I was saying that I myself, have that experience. And while I can't go into the details yet, not in this kind of form because it is really very personal, very deep, and still because it involves other people and I don't think they're ready to have the story told, okay. So, but there came a point in my life when I was - you know, I couldn't believe I was in a situation that I found myself in because it was a situation that was like the complete opposite of everything.

[00:04:26] I believed in everything I have always boldly proclaimed, argued and passionately believed in. And so, there was, of course, a lot of shame. Because I felt like I was the biggest hypocrite in the world. I felt like I was a coward because I couldn't do what I knew was right. I couldn't do that which was aligned to the convictions I've always so boldly proclaimed.

[00:04:49] And in personal prayer, I remember telling God, I actually said, I'm a coward and I'm a hypocrite. And back then, I was still very young. I definitely hadn't experienced how unconditional God's love was yet. I mean, I have experienced His love, but I think a big part of it was just still predicated on me being a good girl and me being a good Catholic, you know, and all those good things.

[00:05:13] So, when I found that I failed and I fell short and like I said, that I was actually a coward and a hypocrite, it was kind of like the end of the world for me. I really felt back then that whatever thoughts I may have had earlier about what I could do to contribute to God's kingdom, you know, whatever thoughts I may have had that perhaps I had some gifts and I could have a call, I had maybe had a call that I could fulfil and I could do something and serve God and serve his people.

[00:05:46] When this happened, when I really, really can say, fell from grace, although not many people knew it was something I was going to carry to my grave, I really thought I was not deserving, ever, of being called and sent by God. And I lived in the darkness, that dark space, for quite many years. Although I never stopped loving God, I never thought I was worthy again of Him.

[00:06:09] But that became a very instructive episode in my life because eventually when I came out of it, it was from a very profound experience that God's love was so far greater than what I had failed to do, what I had done, and what I had failed to do. And actually, even more so, that realization that while I had fallen from grace in my own eyes, and suddenly if other people who knew me had known what happened, I, at that time, I thought they would be so shocked and everybody would be criticizing me and I would have let everybody down.

[00:06:44] It was so shameful, so humiliating. I realized that God was the one person that was not disappointed in me, not disillusioned by me because He always knew what was going on within me in ways things that I didn't even know.

[00:07:02] THE ROLE OF TRAUMA IN PERSONAL GROWTH
Like I didn't know how vulnerable I was. I didn't know how traumatized I was. I didn't know how unfree I was.

[00:07:09] I was operating thinking that I'm this good Catholic, that I'm a great debater and apologist and I can defend and explain all these things about the faith. I had values that I was very morally upright, all that kind of stuff, right? And I really believed it about myself.

[00:07:25] And I thought I could walk the talk. Until something, like I said, it happened and I realized that I couldn't. So, I was very shocked. And maybe other people who knew me, if they'd known would also have been shocked. But God wasn't shocked. Because I realized that, it's like He could see on what unstable ground I'd always been on, He knew.

[00:07:45] Like, now, I have the language of trauma, right, and complex trauma, and what that can do to us. He knew. I mean He's seen all along and so whatever it was that happened was already within His love, His mercy. And when I realized that it was really life changing because it meant that all the blessings that He had given me prior to that episode in my life, He didn't give it to me because I was good.

[00:08:08] He always knew. He always knew how I would feel, He always knew how I would sin or whatever it is that I could have done that made me feel so unworthy of His love. He always knew that that was going to happen and he gave me His blessings anyway. He loved me anyway. His love was really, truly unconditional.

[00:08:27] So, that really changed my life. It changed my experience of my relationship with God. And that started, that was a conversion experience that started me on the deeper journey. 

[00:08:40] So, this conversion experience was back in 2009 and I think since then - so 2009 til now. It's 14 years, right? About 14 years. 

[00:08:49] Everything's been building on that last conversion experience, which wasn't my first, but it was a very profound one. Wasn't my last either, okay. Since then, many seasons have come and gone and things have again, become very different from what I experienced back in 2009. But the point I wanted to share was why I became so... Why I began to see my faith very differently in the last 14 years is that I realized it doesn't matter how much I know.

[00:09:19] It doesn't matter how much conviction I have in what I believe. And in my background, in my upbringing, even now, I think in lot of the cultures, whether it's from my Asian heritage or my Christian heritage, there's a lot of emphasis on, oh, believing in values, right?

[00:09:36] Like you need to believe in, in the right things. And I'm not saying that formation of the mind is not important. It is. But I think we really miss out something when we think that that's all that matters and we can't see the huge gap between what people, even those who do believe and are convicted, how much they are struggling or how much we are struggling to have our lives reflect that.

[00:10:04] VIRTUE AND EMOTIONAL REGULATION
So, in more recent years, there's, I think, this thing called the Virtue Project. I've been hearing about it from different sources, and I know this movement has moved into even like early childhood education, right? The Virtue Project, wanting to teach our young children about virtues, or all the different virtues, fortitude, maybe humility.

[00:10:23] You know, patience, all that. And is that good? Yes. Good in the sense that it's always good to understand that, you know, virtue is a positive trait. It's not just about not doing the wrong things. We need to cultivate virtues, right? But again, this can fall into the same trap. And when I learned about trauma, and when I connected it with my own life experience, I felt there is so much disservice when we make young children believe that on their own strength, so to speak, that they can cultivate virtues.

[00:10:54] If, for example, they don't have an experience of secure attachment with their caregivers, right? You're not held in a place where you know you're unconditionally loved. You're not secure. But you have to be courageous. You have to exercise fortitude. You have to show integrity, moral courage, and all that.

[00:11:11] Where's it going to come from? Like seriously, where is that going to come from? If we tell people or we try and teach young children that they need to be virtuous, but we don't give them that base of being loved and held securely so that they learn how to regulate their emotions, how to be with themselves and another person. How are they going to learn to exercise virtue? You see what I'm talking about, right?

[00:11:33] THE STRUGGLE OF LIVING OUT CONVICTIONS
The problem is that even when we have conviction, and even when we try to impart, values or faith with conviction, we do not look after the conditions that have to be necessary in order for people to exercise those virtues or to practice it, what it is that they believe. All right, so, of course, the people that I work with tend to be people who are already very clear they at least have the conviction.

[00:12:00] So, I mean, let's not talk about people who don't have that conviction. There are plenty of course, right? But the group that I'm interested in, I mean, the group that I can relate with because it's my struggle for so long, is the group that says I want to live a life that gives glory to God I want to serve God and His people.

[00:12:16] I want to make an impact for God's kingdom. I want it. I believe in all this but I struggle to do it. I can't do it. And no matter how I try to, maybe I think I need to be more convicted. That was me. In the past I thought, maybe I'm just not convicted enough. That's not true. I was very convicted. The problem was not in the conviction.

[00:12:36] The problem was I was blinded in the exercise of trying to, you know, do what I was convicted about. I was blinded by my ego. I was blinded by my own insecurities. I could not see all these things. I could not see my own fears. I could not see how sometimes I even weaponised what I believed what was right. So, my moral righteousness and all that became self-righteousness.

[00:12:56] They became a shield to protect me from feeling unsafe. Because if I was a paragon of virtue, if people couldn't fault me for how I lived, then I would be safe. Do you see that? Right? So, even if I was so called doing things right, externally, right, it was not from a place of integration. It did not reflect me knowing who I was, me coming from a place of being beloved, which is why I couldn't truly love.

[00:13:33] And when it is performance, like I've said so many times before, when I fall short, I will want to hide it.

[00:13:40] GOD'S LOVE IN PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION
Because I feel very unsafe about being found out that I am not that paragon of virtue. Because I believe that people only will accept me or like me or approve of me if I continue to be that paragon of virtue, right?

Now, we see this in the world around us all the time, right? People that we really look up to, that we always thought the world of, people we put on pedestals - at some point, the dirty laundry comes out and we realize it's not the case. And then we wonder sometimes, not just about whether we've put the faith in the wrong person.

[00:14:14] Sometimes, we wonder about the system, right, that we have put our faith in. Whether it's the political system, whether it's our religious system, the institutions. And I think we have good reason to doubt because clearly, something is not matching up. So, when those of us who have these deep convictions about loving God, about wanting to glorify God, but we don't have that secure and integrated core, what happens?

[00:14:44] Do we not pander to authority? Are we not afraid? Some of us are afraid of authority. I've actually worked with people. And I have friends who they know they have an issue with authority. They're very scared and very terrified when anybody in an authority figure gets into the picture. If we are pandering to authority all the time, or we're so scared of authority, clearly, even when the time comes that maybe we are called to speak power, to speak truth to power, we're not going to be able to do it.

[00:15:09] I mean, it's still going to be stressful, but there's no way we can do it. So, no matter how convicted we are, how loudly we may speak about certain things, when we are put on the block, so to speak, when it's our opportunity and maybe God might call us to do something, what are the chances that we will actually be able to do it?

[00:15:24] So, conviction without integration is useless because you're going to find that we're going to freeze for good reason. For good reason, right? Which one of us wants to be put in a spot where we will lose friends or be punished or, you know, lose something that we value. Self-preservation is a natural thing.

[00:15:45] Which is why it takes grace, a lot of grace, divine grace, and a lot of integration to go beyond, to transcend just that natural, natural desire for self-preservation, right? So, when we look at Jesus in the gospel, and we know what we are called to be like, right. I mean, Jesus in the gospel, the Lord in the gospel, He was so Himself, He was so grounded in who He was, the Father's Son, and in His mission that He was free.

[00:16:20] And so, He was destroyed in a sense, right? It's so interesting. Those of us who say we want to be disciples of Christ, I wonder whether we understand or we fully embrace what we're seeing. What is it that we are following? How is it that we want to be like Christ.

[00:16:37] Because we want to be like Christ, we are saying it's not just about the little, the specific things that He does. It's about being so grounded in who we are, the truth of who we are as God's children, that even in the face of persecution and rejection, because that will come at some point, we will still be the fullness of who we are in God.

[00:17:01] I wonder how many of us can really truly say so easily that we are disciples of Christ or we want to be disciples of Christ if we know what we are actually saying, right? Because how many of us would say, I want to be like that, but I can't, right? I'm convicted that I want to be like that, be like Christ, but I can't.

[00:17:20] Why? We may say, I lack the integrity. Integrity coming from the same root word as integration, right? Which is why, I mean, my website, the brand is Integro Formation - Integro. Integro from Latin, it's about becoming whole, integrated. Formation; what does it mean to become whole?

[00:17:40] Without that, our core, our fragmented core becoming more integrated, we can't possibly live out what we believe, right. We will hide behind our convictions and our beliefs. In fact, our convictions and our beliefs, all these things that we spout so easily, so glibly, sometimes so eloquently, and I am, again, I'm not pointing my finger at other people, I'm pointing my finger at myself, okay?

[00:18:05] This was absolutely my experience, and it wasn't because I was being fake or inauthentic. I really believed these things, okay? But what I didn't realize was that these can become easily, no matter how true things are that I believe, my convictions, they become just ideologies and masks that I hide behind instead of authentic faith if I can't live it out. So, what is it that needs to happen before we can actually live out our faith?

[00:18:38] Hi friends, by the way, any time comments are welcome or questions either in the comments or in the question bubble are welcome, okay? I'll be happy to do some Q& A at the end of this sharing.

[00:18:49] So, what is it that needs to happen for us to be able to have a life that reflects our conviction? For us to even be aware when what we say and how we act are not resonant, they're not coherent, we need to heal. Seriously, there's no getting around that. I remember I said earlier in my sharing that when I found myself in a place where I felt humiliated because I realized I was a coward and I was a hypocrite and I was disillusioned and disappointed with myself, when I healed or what brought me into healing was the realization and the experience that God was not surprised, that God is not disappointed, that He's not disillusioned.

[00:19:30] Because He always knew that's exactly where I was. I thought more of myself than where I was. I think a lot of people maybe thought more of me than where I was. Because why? We can only see the externals of people, right? And when we ourselves are so dependent on how other people, whether they approve of us, whether they think we're doing a good job, we are basing our identity based on our externals, because people can only see our externals, right?

[00:19:59] So, if you are really smart and you do really well in school, or if you really good job or you know, you appear to be, you're able to perform and seem like a really good Christian. For example, in religious spaces, people may approve of you. They don't know what you're doing in your private life.

[00:20:12] They don't know what the ways in which you are betraying maybe yourself or betraying God. So, we have all become experts in some sense, in living double lives. And again, when I say all these things, I'm saying it without moral judgment. I'm just saying it as a matter of fact. I've been there, I'm still there, I probably will continue to be still there.

[00:20:36] I think it is disingenuous to try and eradicate the duplicity in our lives, okay? Because if we try to do that, we miss the point. We missed a point. Integration, first and foremost, requires us to experience being held and loved exactly where we are so that we have a safe base from which to look at ourselves and to see the truth about ourselves without fear.

[00:21:04] Sometimes when we are so hung up about eradicating so called sin in our life, we are actually very afraid. We're actually very afraid of what we might see in ourselves, which means that we can't really be integrated. So, we are just running in cycles. When we cannot deny that we've sinned, for example, that we've fallen short, then maybe we feel really sorry.

[00:21:24] We repent. We try and make amends, but why? It's so that we feel we can come back to feeling safe. We think that we can only feel safe if we don't have something hanging over our heads, right? We feel like we can only be safe if I don't have sin hanging over my head or I've made amends and people are okay with me again.

[00:21:43] What a very unstable, shaky foundation that would be for our identity. Instead of a foundation in which whatever happens, whatever I may find out about myself, that I still do not know, I am love beyond comprehension, unconditionally. This world that is really rotten and dysfunctional and so full of evil and wrongdoing, somehow, we're not destroyed yet.

[00:22:14] Why? Because there is a love that is far greater than all the evil and dysfunction that is in the world that holds us, that is the ground of our being. Only then can we, you could say, relax enough to see the truth and then be able to acknowledge, yes, it is true. I've fallen short.

[00:22:36] We've fallen short. This is not right. Right? But only if I'm secure, then I know the steps that I can take towards making amends for repentance, for example. That repentance, true repentance only happens in the context of love, when we experience being loved. And in light of that love, we see just in a sense, like, you know, how loved we are because we are, you know, how crappy we can be over the mistakes that we can make or how sinful we can be.

[00:23:06] And yet, our dignity is not diminished. That's mind blowing. That's heart blowing. That's like, you know, that's soul blowing. And so that's how we are moved to repentance. When you look at the stories in the gospels is, is that not how many of the sinners Repent because they first encountered, they first encounter that incredible, unlimited, unconditional love of Christ.

[00:23:31] That love helps them to see themselves as they are and to acknowledge the truth without fear. This process of becoming secure in who we are in knowing we are loved into having a secure attachment with God and with ourselves requires integration and healing. No amount of conviction about what is right and what is holy and what is true is going to get us to that point.

[00:23:56] Integration is not something that studies or knowledge or understanding can give us. It's not. Because we can have, in a sense, perfect conceptual understanding of something and find that we can't live that which we understand or that which we believe. And then so many of us just feel so ashamed of ourselves.

[00:24:17] Right, again, I'm describing my own experience. And then I realized, nobody told me about what other equipment I needed to have. Nobody told me what other formation I needed to have. Nobody formed me in integration. Nobody showed me that I was a survivor of complex trauma. Nobody showed me how my relationship with God, my image of God, and my image of everyone you know, was so fragmented.

[00:24:38] Was coming from a place, a base, that could not support loving God with all my heart, my soul, you know, my mind, my strength, loving my neighbour as myself. I know those words. I know I'm supposed to do that. Do I believe that I should do that? Yes. Do I want to do that? Absolutely. But I don't have the ability to do it.

[00:24:59] And no one really, in my journey, really ever explained to me what was missing. And it was so frustrating sometimes, being told what I already knew in my head, right? Because that's what often happens when people see that you've fallen short. They repeat to you about the conviction. They re-emphasize or repeat to you the teaching, which I think many of us already know.

[00:25:21] And we're like, that's not a problem. I agree with you. I know that. The problem is I can't do it. What can you do to help me move towards being able to do it, to doing it, to living it, right? Okay, I see a question.

[00:25:40] THE CHALLENGE OF LIVING OUT CONVICTIONS IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm really interested to find out what you think about if my partner and I struggle with this conviction with or without integration. Sorry, what, what is it that you mean by that? Struggle with this conviction with or without - ohh, okay, so, as in like, even struggle with a conviction. That means before we even talk about integration, you're not convicted, I guess. Okay, I'm going to go with that interpretation, okay. What do I think?

[00:26:17] Well, the principle of the interior journey is always be where you are. And do the work that is currently before you. I assume that maybe you are referring to maybe something specific because there are different things that we can be convicted about, right. So, maybe there's something.

[00:26:32] Or meaning if one has a strong conviction, but the other is not integrated enough to see the right or wrong. Mm.

[00:26:41] THE JOURNEY OF HEALING AND INTEGRATION
Recently I shared a link to a talk by Monty Williams. It's a Jesuit priest who was in Singapore. I think he's left recently to give a talk and I think that would actually help to answer this specific question because you're talking about in relationship with somebody else as well, right?

So, it's not just about you. You're asking about someone else. You're asking about your partner, from the perspective of the interior life, about spirituality. It's never about trying to convince someone else. It's about our own journey first, because even in that scenario, the other person may not be integrated enough to see what's right and wrong, but that's their journey. That's their path. And they have their own journey with God that they must make with God. And we don't know what the journey consists of or, you know, how it should progress.

[00:27:32] But there is something that usually on our part. that we are called to as part of our journey to make even in the context of let's say the frustrations that may happen because our partner and us do not see eye to eye about certain values or certain convictions. That's where then I would say we, or you, in your case, would need to bring this into your prayer with God and ask Him what's His invitation to you.

[00:27:57] And what are you being invited into so that you can be a better companion for your partner in his or her, you know, kind of like journey, you know? I hope that makes sense. Yeah. So, it's always about whatever the situation is, kind of like we need to look at what is this, what is the piece for me?

[00:28:18] Because I don't know what God has in store for someone else. Right? But I'm involved, especially if it's someone I'm in a relationship with, even if it's not a family member or partner. You know, it could be like the community that we're in, or the church that we're in. Sometimes we can get very pissed, right?

[00:28:32] About, let's say, leadership or the country, whatever. There is always the question, Lord, what are you inviting me into? And what part of me is maybe being called into deeper integration and healing so that I can respond clearly? from a place of integration and authenticity. And I think we can never really assume that we know what that is.

[00:28:54] We have to always go through the process of discernment, of loving discernment, to arrive at what is the response we're invited into for each particular circumstance. Right, so, it's not so simple as I have a conviction, like a theory, and I apply it, like I copy paste and I try and apply it into every situation.

[00:29:14] That doesn't work because convictions, generally, they're like principles. Principles are usually abstract and universal. There's a big gap between what is universal and abstract and what is concrete and specific, which is why discernment is so important in our interior life. It's always about how does this now, what am I called to do in this particular circumstance?

[00:29:34] THE ROLE OF DISCERNMENT IN THE INTERIOR JOUR NEY
Okay, I'm glad you find it helpful. Your concern is also without you losing your own integrated self or your own conviction. Yeah, it's our journey. It's our journey, right. And yes, I definitely identify, as self-righteous, - less so now, hopefully, than before.

[00:29:48] But I will tell you something, okay. It's good to have convictions. I think different seasons and stages of the interior journey, they're different, okay? It's like, if you look at a newborn. A newborn and then, you know, even within the first few months, very different, right? A three-month-old baby and a newborn, let's say, two-day old baby, very different even in terms of how much food they need, what kind of food they have.

[00:30:10] And then if you say a toddler and, you know, a preschooler, teenager, you just look at someone growing up from newborn to the time they say we die of old age. Physically, there are so many changes, even the physical needs, the level of activity that we need, the kind of nourishment that we need may change.

[00:30:28] Intellectually, what is appropriate for our development as a baby, as a toddler, as a preschooler, all that is different, right? So, different stages, different seasons, and different stages of growth require different things. With regarding the interior journey and speaking about conviction, I think it is very appropriate that at an earlier stage, we need to know what is it that we're convicted about.

[00:30:47] If we have no convictions, we have nothing to stand on. But as the interior journey progresses, be prepared to let go of your convictions, okay? Because ultimately what we stand on, we find, is not our convictions, but is that love that God holds us in. So, it has to be that relationship with God. And at different stages and seasons of the interior journey, the experience of that is different.

[00:31:11] So, it makes sense that what worked, and what fed us, and what was appropriate in an earlier season in our development, that we may now, we may begin to doubt, okay? Or we may realize that, oh, the world is bigger or the picture is actually, we need to kind of step back a little and it's larger than we initially thought.

[00:31:28] That's normal too. That's normal too. So, don't worry too much about ever kind of like being shaken in your convictions because I can tell you, this is from my personal experience as well, it is part of the journey. Which is why having wise, let's say, you know, the wise companions or spiritual directors who are familiar with that journey can give us, can make - you know, for me, it was having the sense that, okay, I'm on grounds that I kind of like I'm very unfamiliar with, but is this okay? Right?

[00:31:58] It helps to have someone ask me the right question, someone who is also a praying person who is grounded in that love to be journeying together with me. So, I'm not alone. It's not good to be alone on that journey and it's always important to have people who are at least where we are or even able to, you know, nurture us and guide us further along.

[00:32:19] So, for example, if you're someone in your immediate circle you are seen as like you're the more spiritually mature one or people kind of look up to you as the more knowledgeable one, find somebody outside of your circle please, who can guide you and journey with you. Okay, because we all need that kind of support and that kind of guidance.

[00:32:39] But yeah, I'm glad. Thank you for that question. Very practical application. Let me see, let me just check my notes. In the meantime, if anybody else wants to send, you know, ask, please go ahead.

[00:32:58] Okay, the last point I wanted to make, I guess, was also that even as we make this journey, because I was saying that integration is not something that knowledge can give us. It's not something that understanding can give us. So, it's not something that, you know, going for more talks or reading more books, even if it's books about integration, that's not going to actually help us get more integrated.

[00:33:19] They could be part of the process, right? But if we only stop at accumulating understanding and knowledge, and this is especially the case for those of us who enjoy reading and enjoy learning, sometimes we feel like, oh, I understand it. I can talk about it. I can talk, you know, convincingly about it. I understand how it works.

[00:33:37] Then we may mistakenly think that oh, now I get it and I have it. And it's not, okay? It's like you can read books about relationship building for example, about marriage and then when you actually get married you realize how useless all those books are. As in useless because you have to put it into an action.

[00:33:57] And your specific circumstances - so, sticking to the example of marriage for example, is unique. Your partner could be very, you know, your partner and you combined, it's a very unique combination from any other couple. So, what works for another couple, amazingly, they can share with you what works, but you still have to figure out a way to put it to work in your own relationship.

[00:34:16] Right, so, it's important to say, remember, we have to put it into praxis. We have to try that. It's actually a work, there's a praxis that needs to happen, okay - action that needs to happen. And the action is not just trying to do what we believe is right. The action with integration is, requires healing, requires connection, right?

[00:34:39] Because without that deeper connection and security of being loved, we won't be able to even see clearly. What are the areas that God is calling to healing? Okay, and that needs to happen in order for us to actually have the ability, the capacity to live out our own convictions. Alright, and like I said, as we grow in the interior journey, that's what is required for us to be able to reach a point where maybe we need to let go of the old convictions and be open to the new things that God is telling us or revealing to us.

[00:35:11] That is very scary too. And without integration, we won't be able to do that, right? So, integration and healing, it never looks one way. I would always caution when we get too stuck on best practices, right. When I'll say like, it's good to understand some things in first principles. But when it comes to the actual doing of it, we need to be nuanced.

[00:35:35] We need to be flexible and adaptable and sensitive to the specific context, to where talking about ourselves is like exactly where we are. If the next step for us it's going to make us look like we're crumbling or regressing, then that's the next step. So, let me share a little anecdote or a story.

[00:35:57] Something that most people don't realize when they go from reading a lot about integration and healing then to actually, for example, let's say going to therapy, okay? So, let's say they start going to therapy which is a form of praxis, okay? So, you're beginning to do the work.

[00:36:09] Then they see how things change around them and they're not prepared for that because, like I said, reading about it and actually experiencing it are two very different things, okay? So, I usually hear from people who, I expect, you know, when they make that transition into actually living it or praxis, there will always be this sense of, oh my gosh, like, I thought things would get better, but I feel like I'm acting worse.

[00:36:31] Like they feel like, for example, they've always been very together. They're the ones who hold everything together. They're the responsible one, the good one, the all that kind of thing. And then now suddenly they, maybe they're losing their temper. Okay, or they threw a tantrum and they're an adult. Okay, maybe threw a tantrum and they're like, what happened there?

[00:36:50] Why is this happening? Why is starting to doing the work, doing the work of integration, for example, making me behave more poorly? But you see, what could be happening? And I always tell them, okay, this is what could work. This is what I think would be happening, at least in my experience. But go and check, right, with the therapist that's journeying with you, or all that. Is that in the relationship with themselves, now, their inner child, for example, feels safe enough with them.

[00:37:19] They are allowing the emotions that for all these decades have been suppressed, never allowed to see the light of day because they always have to be the responsible one, the one that is contained, the one that is calm. Now, those parts are surfacing, and they're surfacing because they're feeling safer with them.

[00:37:39] If you just take this slice of what's going on now, for example, maybe they're behaving more immaturely now. Okay, I certainly went through that phase. I think there's some parts of me that still definitely sat in that phase, like, because I never got to be that when I was younger, when maybe it was appropriate as a teenager to act out, I never did.

[00:37:57] So, there are parts of me that kind of stunted because there was this overwhelming need to always be the perfect student, you know, the perfect daughter, right? And when I began healing and integrating, there were parts that needed to surface. Growth cannot, you can't fast forward, you can't skip. The only way out is through.

[00:38:17] You have to grow through it. You have to let it happen and it takes a lot of humility and trust to let these things happen, right? But the thing is, you see, it's just for this moment, you need to live through it, and it's uncomfortable and it looks messy and you may feel embarrassed about it. But if you allow yourself to go through the step that you need to go through right now, not that much later, you'll find you're in a different place again because you walked through it, because you went through the season you needed to go through. You honoured the season that you were in, you did the work that was appropriate for that season.

[00:38:49] And then later on you have, you're more integrated and then now you can continue with, the next work and the next work, right? So, sometimes I think when people who are very convicted, we're often also very convicted about absolutes, yeah? Where absolutes is like, this is what perfect looks like.

[00:39:04] And we're very convicted that that's what I want or that's what I want to be. And we forget. There is no such thing as perfect in terms of instantiation, actual particular concrete situations. We are definitely not. And that even moving towards the fullness of who we are is a journey.

[00:39:22] Right, which is why there is flux, it's dynamic, it changes, the needs changes at different points of the journey. And once we understand that, and once we allow ourselves to lean into that, we can have a lot, we can travel more lightly, yeah, in terms of our emotion. We won't be so hung up when we can't make what we believe happen.

[00:39:49] Especially in other people. We don't realise it, but a lot of times, it’s not so easy for us to notice when we can't live out what we believe. We are usually a lot more preoccupied with how other people are not matching the conviction that we have, that they should be doing, right? Which is why, again, so important for the interior work, interior work and interior integration, because isn't that exactly what the Pharisees were like?

[00:40:11] I mean, in the Gospels, right? They knew, like, the law in its absolute terms and they make sure they performed it externally and they judge other people for not doing what they think is, you know, what they're very convicted about. When what Christ is, He comes for, you know, what He wants is that relationship.

[00:40:31] He's calling people into relationship with God. And that can look different at different points of the journey and different for different people. Okay, so, there's no one size fit all. And it's always about asking for the grace or asking, I guess, to recognize the grace that is given at this point. And to respond to that grace.

[00:40:53] And not to worry so much about the grace that has not been given, and how we can't do all that other stuff that we feel that we should be able to do in order to meet the ideal that we're very convicted about. If we haven't been given the grace, then the invitation isn't here yet at this moment. So, it's important to focus on the work of the moment.

[00:41:15] Yeah, the invitation of the present moment. That's where contemplation comes in. And integration comes in and I think what this topic that we're talking about is just so, so important to all of us in general But especially for those of us who are leaders in any sense; parent, teacher, educator, mentor, whether you're a leader at work or in the community, we don't realize how our lack of integration puts us on very shaky foundation and how much it can hurt others without our intending to because we want what's best for others.

[00:41:54] We do care and love. The problem is not that we don't want something enough or we don't desire something enough. A lot of times we just lack the integration to incarnate what we believe, right? To enflesh and make happen in the world, in the real world, what we believe. So, really, really conviction without integration is really useless.

[00:42:16] I hope that this sharing has given you something to ponder and think about and maybe ask yourself as to me, what step can you take towards the integration, that to be kinder to yourself, to be more connected with actually what's going on inside you, so that you're not just so caught up with, you know, convictions.

[00:42:36] All right? No other questions are coming in, I see. So, thank you for being with me, those of you who have popped in and are kind of staying and being with me. And yeah, any other questions come up after this, please just send me a direct message and I'll be happy to continue that or respond to that in another life in the future Bye and have a good day.

[00:43:03] CONCLUSION
Thank you for listening to Becoming Me. The most important thing about making this journey is to keep taking steps in the right direction. No matter how small those steps might be, no matter where you might be in your life right now, it is always possible to begin. The world would be a poorer place without you becoming more fully alive.

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