Why I began my interior journey (Loneliness)

EPISODE 76 | WHY I BEGAN MY INTERIOR JOURNEY (LONELINESS)

Hello again, dear listeners, I am so glad to be sharing a new episode with you again here on Becoming Me. So, here's a funny story. I was on break, right for the last couple of months, supposedly to take time off podcasting; take time off creating new podcast episodes to do some back-end work.

[00:00:21] But I also decided, at the same time, to take up this, 30-day Instagram Live challenge, which meant that I had to go live every day and talk about something about the interior journey. So, in the end, I realized I was actually creating content, especially after people started asking me, "Oh, Ann, are you going to share this on your podcast? Can you share this on your podcast or can you share this on your YouTube channel as well?"

[00:00:49] So, yes, I decided that I will share this on my podcast. So, it's going to take a bit of time, but I'm going to share all thirty days of IG Live here, on the podcast. And in fact, I think I may have stumbled upon a new process for doing the podcast - at least for a lot of the episodes because doing this 30-day IG live challenge really got my creative juices flowing and I loved the interactivity. There were some people who sent me questions which I could respond to. I loved how interactive it was. And there was also some pretty emotional moments during the sharings.

[00:01:28] So, in this episode, you will hear day one of my 30-day IG Live challenge. And because there are like 30 videos that I will be sharing, I will be increasing the frequency of dropping episodes on this podcast.

[00:01:44] So, don't worry. Take your time, do the same thing you have always done before. You know, listen at the pace that you like. If you want to take longer - take longer. If you are in that season where this is really just feeding you, well, good news is you have more new episodes to binge listen to - if that's what is working for you. So, without further ado. I share with you a new episode to Becoming Me.

(00:021:12) INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Becoming Me, your podcast companion and coach in your journey to a more integrated and authentic self. I am your host, Ann Yeong and I'm here to help you grow in self-discovery and wholeness. If you long to live a more authentic and integrated life and would like to hear honest insights about the rewards and challenges of this journey, then take a deep breath, relax, and listen on to Becoming Me.

[00:02:48] Hello! Okay, I didn't announce this beforehand because I've just decided to join a 30-day challenge to go live on Instagram. the reason I decided to was I thought that I'm taking a pause from podcasting, although I'm still kind of recording sessions when I have inspiration. I'm currently doing more back-end work; coaching and some back-end work in my business, but I thought that this 30 day IG challenge to just go live to try and be consistent and be willing to show up and be raw will hone my craft of communicating and it will - I'm hoping that it will also help me while I am sharing my perspective with you, to also get clearer in understanding what are your needs.

[00:03:39] Okay. So, part of this invitation that I'm giving you as I take part in this 30 day challenge to go live on Instagram is to send me your questions, send me anything you would like me to talk about that you might wish that I would like to kind of just address and talk about in this 30 days.

[00:03:57] So, the theme of this 30 days of going live is just going to be about, of course, this whole integration journey. All right, I'm going to try and maybe, in this process, help to make it clearer as to what my specific approach to the interior journey is, how it's different from how you might actually have heard or read about the interior journey. And for you to realize whether or not it's going to be helpful for you, right? Whether the content I create is going to be helpful for you.

So, these next 30 days - today's day one - I'm going to be talking about different aspects or themes or topics that have come up in my 29 years. I'm thinking now about 29 years since I could say I really started to take this interior journey more seriously. Okay. So, these 29 years have covered many different seasons, different aspects. I fell many times. I learned many things. I've come across incredibly helpful resources. I've also learned what has not helped from more than one discipline, from more than one dimension of life.

[00:05:04] And I'm going to be talking, you know, showing up myself. I'm going to be sometimes talking about what, you know, people call the left-hand column. There's a right-hand column and left-hand column. Right hand column are things that we feel comfortable talking about in public. The left-hand column is often things that we think, but maybe we don't say out.

[00:05:21] Maybe a lot of people are thinking the same thing, but they don't get to say it out. Maybe it's impolite or it may seem like, you know, it's not courteous or not the right thing to do. Well, part of how I am called to show up is to sometimes talk about what's in our left-hand column, okay.

[00:05:38] Because I think it's important to sometimes give voice to our questions and our doubts. Even the ones that we may be afraid, we are kind of wrong to ask or to think because that itself is a process by which we learn more about God, learn more about ourselves. Right, okay. So, today - day one - I'm just going to start by giving a bit of a lay of the land as to what I mean by integration.

[00:06:06] I use this word a lot and you know, in my IG content, you get a sense, sometimes, you know, I talk about mind, body, heart, and spirit. But what's the lived experience of that? Why do I choose this perspective of integration to talk about the interior journey? Okay, so, it's because we are human.

[00:06:26]  EXPERIENCING DEEP LONELINESS
And in the last three decades of my life, I have consciously sought God because first and foremost because I wanted to be in a relationship where I was loved. When I was a teenager, I guess I didn't understand. Like, I didn't have as much conceptual intellectual understanding as I do now. But every child and every teen live in that reality of often being isolated and alone.

[00:06:56] And I know you know what I'm talking about. I'm sure in your own life you've experienced what it's like to be alone in your grief, alone in your sorrow. The experiences of being abandoned, of being rejected, of perhaps not feeling even safe at home. Okay, maybe you're physically safe, but emotionally you may not have been safe, and you may not have even realized that you weren't feeling emotionally safe.

[00:07:17] Usually what we experience it as is this deep loneliness. This deep loneliness of not being known, not being seen, not being loved, of not knowing who we are. Okay. So, that was where my interior journey started of the experience, like I just described and really seeking that in friends - hoping, hoping so much when I was a teenager that I would have a best friend.

[00:07:44] I would find a best friend, someone - someone who finally can see me for me, who can understand me, who can love me. I never knew why I had such great longing. I knew I was unhappy and, you know, there's a lot of problems, for example, you know, at home. I don't want to go into that right now, right in day one, but all I knew was that I was desperately lonely, and I felt at the same time, that it was kind of like weak to admit that I was lonely.

[00:08:11] All right. So, I'm talking about secondary school days, teenagers. Okay, it's like, I was about like 13 years old. That was my experience. And you could say I stumbled into a personal relationship with God.

[00:08:23] You know, I really, really give thanks, for me, that happened earlier on in my life as opposed to, I think, you know, many others that I know.

[00:08:30] I stumbled into a personal relationship with God really at that point in time as a teenager because I was so lonely because I was so, so, seeking love and understanding and because I didn't know how to be good.

[00:08:45] So, for me, it was always very important to be loving, to be good. That's part of my script. That's part of my upbringing, but I bought into it, okay. I believe in the value of being kind, being loving, being good. But it's so hard to be that when life is so hard, right? It's so difficult to be loving, to be understanding, to be forgiving when you're constantly being hurt, when you are feeling abandoned, when you get betrayed as a kid - by friends or by peers.

[00:09:10] There's so many things that happened at that young, young age, in our young age, which we don't understand, right, but we feel the effects. So, when I was 15 years old, my family went on a church pilgrimage. We went with our parish and this was to Rome and to Lourdes.

[00:09:29] EMULATING THE SAINTS
So, I'm Catholic and there was a big pilgrimage destinations. And what struck me were the stories of the saints. And not just the stories - because we visited places, right, where the saints had lived. So, for example, for me, my favourite place then, I think the most memorable place was actually, Assisi.

[00:09:47] Assisi, where St. Francis of Assisi, we visited his hometown, we saw the places that were significant in his life. We heard stories about him, watched a movie about him. But he wasn't the only saint.

[00:09:59] And there were not just stories. I saw a couple of incorrupt bodies as well - that's a thing, right - of St. Bernadette Soubirous, who's the saint associated with Lourdes. I saw the incorrupt body of St. Jean Vianney, another incredible life, a saint in France.

[00:10:17] As a 15-year-old, that really leaves an impression, but it wasn't so much for me, even that there was a miracle - okay, that there was an incorrupt body.

[00:10:25] For me, it was knowing about the depth of the suffering that these saints went through and yet the peace and the love with which they seem to be able to live their life. And I kept asking myself, what is it that they had? I want that too because I was so sad and I felt so lonely, I felt so alone.

[00:10:45] I would love to be able to meet life and live life with that much grace and patience and peace. Peace, I think was the operative word, as these saints had. And my 15-year-old self, brain connected the dots this way. All these saints, they were in a deep relationship with Christ, right? And it seemed like everything flowed from that relationship they had with God and so that was what started me in wanting to have this relationship with God.

[00:11:16] Okay, so, it began very humanly. I want to start from the human experience. The human experience started from loneliness and the human experience started from the desire to have someone that would know me and love me for me and to have a relationship to ground my existence on and to have courage. I always felt even then, as a teenager, that if someone really loved me for me, it would give me a lot of courage, you know?

[00:11:40] And since, in a very sad way, I couldn't find that among my friends. Okay, I'm tearing now. I guess this is going to be one of the marks of these IG lives, of 30 days of Lives - I might cry. Remembering as a kid how I felt so alone and I couldn't find that love, that understanding, that friendship that I was seeking in anyone.

[00:11:59] I told Jesus, you know, after having gone for that pilgrimage, that you know, you're it. If you can't be that person for me, I don't think anyone can. And I felt deeply unlovable.

[00:12:10] I felt deeply unlovable as a teenager. Because why is it that I couldn't find anyone to be that friend? Must be because there's something wrong with me. Excuse me for a minute. Wow, this IG live is turning more real than I expected or planned.

[00:12:27] Okay. So, back to, I'm sharing this because I want to say it was a very human experience that started me on the journey. And it was that ongoing human experience, that longing to be known, to have connection, that kept me going for the last 30 years. Okay, so, I thought back then, as a kid that, oh this relationship with Christ is going to be the answer to my problems that if I knew Christ and I could love him and I could follow him, then, you know, suddenly I would have peace like the saints did.

I would have courage to be heroic, to forgive people who hurt me, who persecuted me. And my thoughts were filled with beautiful ideas. I read and read about the lives of saints.

[00:13:08] I had very deep interest also, in learning more about my faith. So, I was probably the most, one of the most, or the most, you could say, well-formed teenagers, Catholic teenagers at that time, because I was very fascinated. And back then I didn't know there was a field of studies called theology.

[00:13:25] I just was so interested in it that I asked a priest that was giving faith formation classes in my parish and who did a pretty good job of that. I asked him once, I think, this was, yeah, as a teen, is there a way to study this kind of stuff, you know, at university level? Because of course, being in Singapore and, you know, being a student and being in one of the top schools, everything is about what are you going to study in university? You know, what are you going to do with your life?

[00:13:49] Right, and I always felt very, very repressed, suppressed in the education system here. I didn't really have very much interest in anything that I had to study, but I did it because we had to, there was no choice.

[00:14:02] Of course, there was always this longing and this hope that I would be able to study something that I enjoyed and really believed and wanted to learn about. And so, then that was when I realized that, when I asked the question of a priest and he said, yes, it's theology. So, I formed it in my mind that, oh, okay.

[00:14:17] So, I want to study theology or I want to learn more about theology because that's going to teach me about my faith and somehow knowing about my faith is going to lead me, help me to follow Christ more closely.

[00:14:28] And then I'm going to be able to be like the saints, you know, like holy and having peace and love.

[00:14:34] That was the mindset, the beliefs that I had. And so, I had very strong convictions. Ask anyone who knew me as a child, okay, as a teenager, in secondary school or in junior college, they would tell you - or even university. I think it's something that they both - sometimes people respected and hated about me.

[00:14:50] I was so convicted about what I believed in, you couldn't change my mind about what I believed in. And I was pretty black and white also - you know, it's kind of like right or wrong, good or bad. But for me, that passion and that zeal - I really believed was always what was going to get me to make this journey of this interior journey to become holy and to get close to God.

[00:15:13] But I had no idea. I had no idea all the other things that were at play. And I know that a lot of you who are watching this right now, you may actually still have no idea all the different layers of things in our life that's at play. If you have been trying for any amount of time like I have, you would probably already realize there must be more than what I'm aware of because I'm doing my best.

[00:15:36] I'm doing my best from what I am aware of. I'm trying to learn more about my faith. I'm regular in my sacraments. I'm going for regular confession. I'll tell you, I've done, you know? There were seasons in my life, like years when confession is not just a two-yearly thing, which is kind of like the minimum that we Catholics are kind of like told, you know? Oh, it's a monthly thing or more often than monthly thing.

[00:15:56] I've gone for a regular spiritual direction for more than 10 years. You know, anything that along the way I had felt or believed would help me in my path to becoming closer to God, I have tried. And along the way, like I said, I found out there were so many other layers at play. So, I just want to close today's day one with one, one little part or a little sharing, and I'll probably continue from this maybe tomorrow.

[00:16:23] I didn't realize how hard this whole thing really, really is. I mean, I knew it was hard. I already had experienced that. I don't think I was ready to pick up my cross because that's so hard.

[00:16:36] FALLING OVER AND OVER
Life is hard, right? But I didn't know how hard it was until I fell. Okay, I'm not going to go into specifics, but I fell many times in my life. But there was one particular very significant moment as a very young adult. I was 20 just in 21 and I was completely lost and felt completely alone and felt like the most hypocritical and cowardly person. Because I told, like - all my life up to that point, I was only 21, but like, for about, you know, six years already, I've been telling Jesus that I love Him, I want to follow Him.

[00:17:07] I have been vocal and expressive to my peers about my beliefs. I've been talking about Christ. I tried so hard to do what I thought needed to be done to be the kind of person that I thought God wanted me to be. And then I experienced that when I was put to the test, you could say in a way, I didn't have the courage.

[00:17:28] I didn't have the resilience. And actually, more importantly, I think I found that I didn't actually really believe in God's unconditional love for me. And then after that, you know, for some years, I just - for many years, I just felt like, I could never again have that hope of being together with God in the way that I used to think innocently that I could learn to be holy like the saints.

[00:17:52] But now, with the benefit of hindsight, I know that that was really just a beginning. And that very painful experience of how far I was from being able to really believe like not just my head, but my life, my body can reflect that I really believe in who God is and His love and His mercy. And to be able to live out my belief, I had to learn a very hard lesson, and more than one hard lesson, that I couldn't do it - before my eyes could be open to what are the other aspects of this journey that needed to also be in place.

[00:18:26] Okay, so far what I've shared has only been just the spiritual, the faith portion of it, right? And it's often, if you are a believer, like that's probably that, which you hear the most often. Relationship with Christ, prayer, you know, sacraments. It's not enough. I'm telling you, it's not enough.

[00:18:42] BEING HUMAN
Because all that happens in the context of a much bigger - humanity, okay? So, which is why what I'm going to be talking about integration. It starts always from being human, the experience of being human. Only then can we understand what that relationship with God or even prayer or sacraments or whatever religious practices you may think is important.

[00:19:04] On their own, they're not enough to bring us to the relationship with God that we want, to be able to love God and neighbour the way we wish we could.
[00:19:12] Okay, so, that's it for today. Today is day one I'll continue tomorrow. And remember if there's any particular topic that you would like me to address about the interior life, about integration, about becoming whole in Christ becoming, you know, clarifying our identity in Christ all that - you can check out my profile on IG (Instagram). Those are the three fundamental kind of like principles that I like to talk about, that I tend to talk about, okay?

[00:19:41] Becoming more rooted in our identity as God's beloved, clarifying our unique identity in Christ, and becoming more free; to become more focused, to live more authentically, to live a life of greater integrity in Christ. So, anything in there, if you have any questions, please send me a DM or comment in, I'm going to save this live.
[00:20:01] You can comment in the live or if you want to remain anonymous, you can send me a DM and I will address the questions. Okay, I may not be able to fully answer, I don't know. But I'm going to try to give you an honest and authentic response and please go ahead and ask me hard questions, okay? I love that.

[00:20:18] I love that challenge because it helps me to dig in more deeply to integrate and understand and articulate what I have experienced and what I've learned. Okay, see you guys tomorrow.

[00:20:29] CONCLUSION
Thank you for listening to Becoming Me. The most important thing about making this journey is to keep taking steps in the right direction. No matter how small those steps might be, and no matter where you might be in your life right now, it is always possible to begin. The world would be a poorer place without you becoming more fully alive.

If you like what you hear on this podcast and would like to receive a monthly written reflection from me as well as be updated on my latest content and offers, make sure you subscribe to my newsletter, Begin Again. You can find the link to do that in the show notes. Until the next episode, happy becoming!