Why You Can't Flourish Without Attunement

EPISODE 104 | WHY YOU CAN'T FLOURISH WITHOUT ATTUNEMENT

What difference do those things make if there is no presence? If there's no presence, there's usually no power. That's my experience. There's no power to what you offer. Because when you're not attuned, you're not attuned to yourself, you're not attuned to God and I mean, what do we have to offer apart from really what God has given us to give, right?

[00:00:20] INTRODUCTION
Welcome to Becoming Me, your podcast companion and coach in your journey to a more integrated and authentic self. I am your host, Ann Yeong, and I'm here to help you grow in self-discovery and wholeness. If you long to live a more authentic and integrated life and would like to hear honest insights about the rewards and challenges of this journey, then take a deep breath, relax, and listen on to Becoming Me. 

[00:00:57] Hello, hello. So, today I'm doing my day 29 of my 30-day, 30 days of IG Live Challenge. And there's a reason why this is the first Live I am doing in the afternoon. So, I've done 29. This is my 29th, right? 29 days in a row, and this is the first one I'm doing in the afternoon. And that's because I really am a morning person.

[00:01:29] And I usually prefer to do something that's important when I'm fresh. But I was being gentle with myself today. Because the Live yesterday took quite a lot out of me. And this morning was an important medical appointment for my mother and the family decided to all go together with her to support her. And well, also because it's important to all of us. And that also took quite a lot out of me. In the past this wouldn't be something that I would even be aware of; that physically it was taking something out of me because of the emotional energy that was accompanying the event as well.

[00:02:14] ATTUNEMENT FOR INTERIOR INTEGRATION
But something that happened or some interactions during the doctor's visit got me to think about what I wanted to share today. And this is something that, I think we don't - we don't talk about enough or we don't exercise enough. And I want to talk about the importance of presence, of attunement for the interior journey, for interior integration.

[00:02:44] But really because without presence and without attunement, you can't flourish. Nothing can flourish without presence and without attunement. And when I'm talking about attunement, I include attunement to ourself, attunement with God, attunement with other people. Okay, so, let me share. Let me begin with an anecdote.

[00:03:10] So, during the doctor's visit today, part of the conversation was about treatment or about what needed to happen next. And my mom, she just had a surgery not too long ago, but - what was it? I think late... June? Yeah, it was in late June. And this was the second surgery this year.

[00:03:29] But she needs to do another one, okay? So, well, it's something that was kind of being decided, so, it would be best for her to do another surgery to extract something else that could potentially be problematic and quite a high chance of being problematic. So, the question was about when it would be the best time for her to schedule the next surgery.

[00:03:54] And her doctor, the surgeon, I mean he's clearly a very experienced and a very brilliant surgeon. He is very confident with what he does and that actually gives us assurance as well, right? It's nice to know that the surgeon that you're working with, that's operating on your mother is experienced and very confident.

[00:04:10] But here's one of the things I've also often noticed with doctors. And especially if they're competent and they're good. They forget sometimes, I think, that they're talking to human beings. As in, that they're talking to human beings with emotions, with all kinds of states of emotions.

[00:04:30] And that usually what is being talked about in the doctor's office - so, in this case, we were talking about potentiality for cancer and the percentage, chances of first, I think like the percentage chance of it being cancer and then at what stage the cancer might be.

[00:04:47] And then, if you catch it at certain stages, like what's the percentage, what's the mortality rate or what's the percentage rate of survival? Now, I understand that it's a profession. For the professional, he deals with these facts and these numbers all the time, right? And so, he's just really clear and just really, really logical and really rational about it.

[00:05:13] When he gives recommendation as to when you should have the surgery and all that, you know, he's very, how should I put it? Very narrow, in a good sense, I suppose. As in like, looking at it through the lens that he has. But on the receiving end, hearing these things, I mean, surely there will be emotions that we feel, right?

[00:05:36] And you want to be able to consider things like so, in this case, with my mom's neck surgery, because there are family members who are traveling for work and so, that was some one of the things that someone expressed. Like, if the surgery, if it wasn't so critical for it to have to happen at a certain date, could it be possible, could we discuss it being at a time when everyone's around so that we can, one, lend support to mom, but also lend support to dad, who usually is the one who stays with her, that's in hospital and all that. And also, just for the family to be able to support one another, right?

[00:06:13] So, at one point, when the doctor was kind of like just, giving his argument about why it should be this certain date or like, as soon as it can be done and all that, I interjected that, I said, we get what he's saying, we appreciate what he's saying, and we also want to have it done soon.

[00:06:31] TRUTH WITHOUT ATTUNEMENT
It's just that there are also other considerations that we will need to talk about, including how the family can be there, right? And then our doctor says, very matter-of-factly - and I really understand. I mean, he's just very matter of fact. He says, oh, but it's not like a very big or very risky surgery.

[00:06:47] It's not that big a deal. It's okay if you guys are not around or something along those lines, right. And so, but anyway, we left it at that and we agreed that we would schedule a certain date which was agreeable to the doctor and if we decided to move it earlier, we would move it earlier.

[00:07:04] But that got me thinking how truth without attunement, truth without love, really just falls flat and just does not touch the humanity in us. You know, the thing I've been learning about trauma, is often trauma is not about the event that happens that could be very difficult for the person. But it's especially when someone, or when we have to be left alone with that pain and have to be - that sense of abandonment or having to be alone in whatever we're going through, that's what kind of like causes the trauma. That's what causes the pain in us, the hurt. And that causes problems, other problems down the road.

[00:07:46] So, given something like a medical situation where there's a surgery in the family and all that, from a purely clinical point of view, whether family members are around or not, may not change the outcome of the surgery or the rate of success of the surgery medically, in one very strict clinical kind of sense.

[00:08:11] But on the other hand, I think a lot of us, from our experience know that it makes a whole lot of difference when you know you're not alone going through it and you can experience the support of people, of loved ones around you. Right, and that made me think about other situations and circumstances often when we don't factor in the importance of attunement.

[00:08:36] When I say attunement, it's like being able to attune to one another's emotions. So, and my sense today was that the brilliant surgeon that we were speaking to, he knew what he was talking about, but he wasn't really attuned to our emotions. That's not usually the thing that's required for surgeons to be very successful, to succeed, I suppose. Right, it's almost like a good to have. 

[00:08:56] But you know that human connection, that human touch, it's often, it's what makes the difference, right? And when we're talking about a human being flourishing, we're not just talking about organs and systems. It's a whole person, right? It's a whole entire person.

[00:09:15] So, I think in our interior journey, when we talk about wanting to flourish, but at the same time as Christians and as Catholics, for me, it's always from this perspective, because this is my experience, right? There are a lot of good intentions. There are a lot of maybe even wonderful ambitions to be of service to people, to evangelize, or to take care of the marginalized, or all kinds of projects maybe that we want to do to heal others, to bring others to Christ, etc, etc.

[00:09:54] But so often, we are so hung up and absorbed in just getting things done and doing the right things and doing more of the right things, so to speak, right, that we completely miss out attunement. It has become like the equivalent of the surgeon where he knows what he's talking about, what he's saying is correct.

[00:10:20] But the effect, the impact on the recipient, in that sense, makes the recipient feel not entirely seen, not entirely human. And yet, at the same time, we tend to diminish, like, the risk on the recipient. We kind of go like, okay, yeah, that's my problem, you know? The doctor knows what he's talking about.

[00:10:41] So, it's almost like we minimize our natural need to be attuned to. I think so often, the environments that we are in, there is so little attunement that we have kind of convinced ourselves that attunement is not that critical and not that important and sometimes, almost as if we should just toughen up, so that we don't need that attunement and just do the right thing.

[00:11:05] This is something that gives me also a lot of pain when I think of all the things that I know of, that I see, that I've observed over the years. Because when there is no attunement, when we no longer know how to attune, people end up becoming almost like objects instead of subjects. They're no longer people. They can become means to an end.

[00:11:30] So, for example, someone who is maybe struggling with living a particular area of church teaching, for example, because it's an example that often comes up in my context or in my environment. For someone like that, who vulnerably admits that maybe they're struggling with some aspect of church teaching, to be given arguments why the teaching is true, and how it is their moral obligation, or they've taken a promise because part of their baptismal vow, or let's say their marriage vows, or whatever vows they may have taken. And that's it, and that's the end of the question.

[00:12:07] So, in a sense, like, suck up and just do what you're supposed to do, because that it is right. That person has become an object. This person before us suddenly has no history. There is no backstory. There's no backstory as to what might happen in this person's life that has led to his or her struggle with this specific thing that they're struggling with.

[00:12:41] We've reduced a person to an entity that should just obey and do the right thing. I know robots could do that. I mean, we could have robots programmed to always so-called do the right thing and follow the law. They're not human. But we're dealing with human beings, right? There's no attunement.

[00:13:03] When someone confesses to struggling with, let's say, letting go of really trusting and letting go of their children, which is a real issue. It is a real issue. It's so true. As in, it leads to all kinds of problems, right, when a parent can't let go of their child. But how often do we get curious as to why that is? And the reason could be different for different parents, right? The reasons why parent A struggled to let go of their kids, it could be very different from when parent B struggled to let go of their kids.

[00:13:38] But, you know what? More often than not, almost I would say always, it comes from somewhere. Do we ever show curiosity as to why that is? The answer is usually no. Usually we don't show curiosity. You know why we don't show curiosity? Because we don't have time. We don't have time to be curious. Hey, more often than not, we don't have time to be curious as to why someone is struggling in their life.

[00:14:06] All we want is the person to just do the right thing, right? There is no time, there's no space for that gaze of love, for that time for us to just receive the person, to build trust with this person so that at some point maybe they will share with us their story. Sometimes, or actually a lot of times, we have buried our own story.

[00:14:32] We are so disconnected from our own pain, from our own history. We need somebody else who is attuned to us, someone that we can trust, who is a safe space for us, before we can remember our story. And I have to say, sometimes, I wonder what's the point of us doing all the things that we do in our organizations, in our families, in our relationships?

[00:14:51] FLOURISHING
Are we trying to prove something to somebody? Are we trying to get some kind of report card, meet some kind of KPI, or are we actually interested in people flourishing, in ourselves flourishing, and in the people under our care, or the people that we love? Flourishing. Because what is needed for people to flourish is very, very different from the kind of things that I often see going on.

[00:15:16] So, and this is true for individuals, for couples, let's say, in marriage, for families, for organizations, for communities. In the years that I was working in the parish and I was there for five and a half years in a full-time capacity and there were very many exciting things happening and I enjoyed many aspects of that time there.

[00:15:37] But the thing that I think I really, really struggled with and it took me some time, even after I've left, to really fully understand what it was, in the quest for being vibrant, for serving people. You know, so, the intents were all good, right, but to have things happening, there was no time to really attune to anyone.

[00:15:59] There wasn't even time to attune to, I think ourselves. So, I think the people that were most in trouble or most lack attunement, often, are the leaders themselves, right? When we are so caught up trying to deliver on something, trying to do something, trying to serve people and we start treating ourselves as a means to an end.

[00:16:25] That will always lead to us seeing other people also as a means to an end. It's so interesting. I think most of us are not even able to take a step back enough to see that, that that's actually happening, right? And so, happens when someone delivers, when someone is responsible, reliable, capable, they're almost always going to be tapped on again, right?

[00:16:53] For another project, for another thing. And they can't even - they don't even really realize, I think, that they're already operating maybe at max capacity and that they should slow down, right? When you don't have time to attune to yourself, you don't realize that as well. So, I see a someone saying, "yes, agree! Even when I receive students, I notice that being curious helps me to understand where they are at".

[00:17:18] Yes, exactly. But you need to actually pause like teaching sometimes, or it's like to have some kind of like - your brain has to kind of go into a different mode to be interested, to attune to the person and wonder why. Why are they maybe not learning? Why are they struggling to learn?

[00:17:32] Instead of just thinking about how can I better teach this person or improve my skill at teaching. Sometimes, it's about recognizing that they're a human being. They're a person. They're not a machine. They're not robots, right? Exactly. So, I think to thrive, or if we're interested in people thriving, we need to have that ability to attune.

[00:17:53] So, I was talking about how oftentimes in my past experience, when we're all so caught up with getting something done, and there's always this element of trying to prove ourselves. We may not even be self-aware that we are trying to prove ourselves. That's how hurried we are, right, that we don't see that.

[00:18:14] And that was my experience when I was in the parish as well. Which is why, from the experiences that I had, there's a team that I often work with, there's a ministry team that I often work with, and I was kind of like the unofficial leader. And one thing that I decided, I was very, very clear on, because I didn't want for our team to go through what I saw happening a lot when I was in the parish, right - which is that we just become a means to an end to the demands that are. 

[00:18:40] There will always be demands, there will always be need whether you're talking about your work. Like, your work or your family or relationships or church. There will always be demands. There are always needs. If we're operating in a way just to try and meet every need that comes our way, it's not sustainable and more importantly, I think there is no presence and there's no attunement.

[00:19:01] And you've got to stop asking, start asking yourself at some point, what are you offering others? Even when you show up to serve someone else, what are you offering them if you are not attuned to yourself and you have no presence to offer them. You're not attuned. You just show up to give your teaching or in our case, for example, often it's like, to give a teaching, give a session or do a workshop, maybe give a retreat or a camp.

[00:19:27] PRESENCE AND ATTUNEMENT
What difference do those things make if there is no presence? If there's no presence, there's usually no power. That's my experience. There's no power to what you offer. Because when you're not attuned, you're not attuned to yourself, you're not attuned to God and I mean, what do we have to offer apart from really what God has given us to give, right?

[00:19:48] And if we are not listening and we're not connected, we're just turning up physically, but we're empty shells. And so, that's the thing that I've also learned about complex trauma, but why is it so many of us have insecurities and relational wounding? Even those of us who look at our let's say, childhood and we go like, well, my parents were present.

[00:20:09] It's not like my parents were absent or I had lost my parents - had left physically, right. And some of us may even have had stay at home, one stay at home parent who was around a lot. And then we think like, so, why is it that I'm exhibiting all these signs that are usually associated with people, children who were neglected, you know?

[00:20:29] And then I learned that physical presence is different from attunement, right? So, attunement requires that the person who is present has the capacity and ability to connect with their own emotions and then also to connect to your emotions and to be able to hold both, to be present. That's attunement, right?

[00:20:52] So, when you don't have that presence and that attunement, even if you're there physically, you're physically present, even if you're serving or whatever, but you're not attuned, guess what? You're actually absent. And there's no love. I mean, you may be trying your best to love, but you will not yield the fruit of real love.

[00:21:17] Right, the person in question, the person before you or the people that you're serving, they're not going to flourish. And we are not going to flourish if we don't attune to ourselves. So, back to the ministry group that the small ministry team that I had decided, you know? And we all agreed. I proposed and we all agreed that whenever we plan for the year ahead in terms of the level of our engagement, how many things we can take on, how many requests we can take to give workshops, we will always attune to one another first, our own team, we will pay attention to what's going on in our individual personal lives, because there are always things happening. And our capacity, that has to be taken up by work, by our own family obligations, by our own health issues or whatever, right?

[00:22:03] Our mental, emotional state, all that kind of stuff. So, and then we'll take all that into consideration before we decide what capacity we have to offer in terms of the ministry that we offer. And that makes sense because it is actually a mistaken view that ministry, or serving others in the same ministry, should take precedence over our daily lives.

[00:22:30] Right, I mean, that is actually, it leads to all kinds of dysfunction. You know, like for example, if you place ministry before your own marriage, or before your own family, which a lot of people actually do, thinking that that's the right thing to do. Guess what happens? you end up with more problems yourself in your marriage or in your family, that then other people need to also serve or minister to you.

[00:22:54] And then it becomes a never ending cycle of issues, of intergenerational issues, of culture problems. We create more culture where people are just used and exploited instead of attuned to. I know I'm using strong words and it may be triggering for some of you and there's some people who may be unhappy that I'm using those words but I call a spade a spade and when we don't attune to one another and we're more interested in getting things done and doing some big events or whatever it is and we are not caring about the state of the person or the people that we are asking to be involved to help, we're using them.

[00:23:35] We're exploiting them. Maybe not intentionally, but when we ask someone to get involved in another thing, to help lead something before checking in, whether they have capacity in their life to do so without harming the significant relationships in their life or destabilizing the family life.

[00:23:55] Or making them irresponsible at work, which is actually a primary call for lay people. Our first primary call is actually in the world, not in ministry, in church. Also, few people know that, right. But we end up using one another and allowing ourselves to be used. And then we wonder why is it that we're all burning out and that we're not flourishing.

[00:24:20] SPIRITUAL FRUIT
So, when we talk about interior integration, I think... One, something that's so important is, without integration, without this healing, we can't have authentic spiritual fruit. We are really shooting ourselves in the foot. All that effort and time and energy that we're pouring out, all the people that are burning out, ourselves included.

[00:24:42] And what is it that we are reaping? Not flourishing! You may have, even if there are big numbers and a lot of things seem to happen, if we know how to look more closely and we are brutally honest, you can't see flourishing. Flourishing takes time. And when I say time, I'm talking about years. And those of you who are on the interior journey, you know what I'm talking about.

[00:25:07] It takes years and it takes different seasons. And different seasons means you cannot be always 100% on. There are times that you need to switch off. There are times when you need to rest. To be away. To heal. There are seasons. We are human. We are not robots. We are not machines.

[00:25:24] And without healing, the trauma in our lives, we actually are not going to be able to be present. Because, why? When we're not connected with ourselves because of trauma, it's like we're perpetually stuck, okay. We're always either running away from something or we're trying to fight something or we're just numbing out and dissociating and just doing the right things while we are not actually there.

[00:25:50] Right, so, when we're perpetually in these kinds of states, we can't be attuned. So, healing has to happen. There's a lot of pain in everybody's lives. We just don't talk about it. We don't see it, we forget it. We want to forget it maybe, but trying to forget our own pain and then forgetting other people's pain or not seeing other people's pains.

[00:26:13] SLOWING DOWN
We are all just in like one big illusion. And flourishing, and real, authentic spiritual fruitfulness, we need to be prepared to see the truth, even if the truth is uncomfortable, even if the truth is ugly. And in order for this whole process of healing and integration to happen, we have to be able to slow down.

[00:26:40] Right, and that's something I find that a lot of people are unwilling to do. Sometimes, because they are afraid to slow down, or they still feel they need to prove themselves. Or they're afraid of what people will think of them if they don't deliver what they're asked to deliver. So, you see, again, it's in that vicious cycle.

[00:26:57] We can't become authentic and integrated without an integrated core, right? Then we are perpetually at the whims of others, and then we get more and more defensive, there's more and more nervous energy. We drive ourselves to the ground, and then we also drive others to the ground. Someone has to break the cycle sometimes, and really, we are the ones responsible, ultimately, to make the decision to take ourselves out of that cycle when necessary, to slow down and to find stillness.

[00:27:28] Without that, without attunement, without real presence, there really just cannot be flourishing.

[00:27:34] So, that's something I will leave you guys to chew on, to ponder. Are you showing up in your life with presence? Are you attuned to yourself? Are you attuned to the persons before you, that you talk to, that you deal with? Are you conscious that whatever you say or whatever is happening, that people are actually having emotional reactions inside them, whether or not they say anything or not.

[00:28:02] Right, so, that's it. And that's it for today's Live. I'll be back tomorrow for the final day. Day 30 of my 30-day Live Challenge. Thank you so much everybody for tuning in, And I hope the rest of you who are watching this on replay enjoy! Bye!

[00:28:18] CONCLUSION
Thank you for listening to Becoming Me. The most important thing about making this journey is to keep taking steps in the right direction. No matter how small those steps might be, no matter where you might be in your life right now, it is always possible to begin. The world would be a poorer place without you becoming more fully alive.

If you like what you hear on this podcast and would like to receive a monthly written reflection from me, as well as be updated on my latest content and offers, make sure you subscribe to my newsletter, Begin Again. You can find the link to do that in the show notes. Until the next episode, happy becoming!